5 things: why do it?
on nurturing your creative practice. plus: an unputdownable thriller, raspberry oat bars, a new true crime podcast, and more
happy saturday, friends.
note: before we dive in, i just want to say that i, like you, am struggling with the state of the world right now. it feels impossible that we’re meant to go about our days ‘as normal’ when things feel so dark, and yet here we are, going about our days when things feel so dark. i’ve been finding a lot of solace in my rituals—this newsletter being one of them—and in baking far too many treats to eat on my own. if you’re looking for ways to center yourself, may i suggest last week’s newsletter? in the meantime: love your people hard. say the thing. stand up for what’s right.
why do it?
this is a question i’ve been asking myself a lot lately, as i grapple with the realization that the career i have chosen no longer feels like the one i want. my industry has shifted so much since i was a wee baby copywriter, and now that i’ve climbed the ranks (not to the tippity top, but high enough), i find myself wondering: is this it?
and if it is it, and i no longer find it fulfilling, why do it?
funnily enough, this is the same question i ask myself about my creative pursuits. why write not just one novel, but two, if i can’t seem to find an agent who thinks my writing is worth supporting? why spend hours each week writing a newsletter that goes to a mere 3,000 readers when most people on this platform have tens of thousands, when i barely have enough free time as it is?! why filet my heart and pour it into essays when i know that the people who know me in real life can (and sometimes do) read them?
if none of it is leading me somewhere better, somewhere happier, somewhere more fulfilling: why do it at all?
when i quit my last job in 2024, i was terrified. but also, i had this feeling that things were going to be different going forward. i believed (or at least, wanted to believe) that because i had done the horribly scary thing, because i had leapt, the universe would be there to catch me. i had a first novel written, and a second one percolating in my mind. i had a small following on instagram and an even smaller one here on a (then) burgeoning platform called substack. i figured if i poured my heart and soul into my creative pursuits, those pursuits would bear fruit.
this is not what happened.
yes, i did write a second novel. but no one wanted the first. or rather: no one wanted me. my first novel was too “quiet.” it was embarrassingly, obviously, too close to home. i had talent, but that talent needed polishing, and no one wanted to be the one to buff me in hopes of discovering a diamond.
this, of course, ensured that a single sentiment would beat its way into my brain:
no one wanted me.
it was, of course, that they didn’t want my work, and while i know, theoretically, that i am not my work, i think most creative people feel that the exact opposite is true:
we are our work, our work is us, the two are inextricably intertwined, how could they not be?!
last night, i attended a book event at the strand.
it was a celebration of an acquaintance turned writerly friend Olivia Muenter, who recently published her second novel (get it here!), and who has been incredibly, wonderfully generous with both her time and her advice. sitting there watching olivia talk about her writing process, and the single line that sparked the idea that would morph into her second novel, i felt this tiny little vibration deep in my gut.
that could be me.
and—while i am not even remotely proud to admit this—a little bit of that should be me.
you see, despite the fact that no one has wanted either of my novels, despite the fact that i do not have an agent let alone an editor let alone a book deal, i feel, deep down i my deepest of souls, that writing is what i am meant to do.
i’ve likely said this before, but i will say it again: writing is the only thing in my life that i have ever known—known—i am good at. it is the one constant that has carried me through my hardest of times, the thing that comforts me, and steadies me, and helps me process. it is a thing i have been doing since i was a little girl taping together “books” in her elementary school’s publishing center. it is the way i digest my experience, and the experiences of those around me. i strongly believe that writers are—generally speaking—empaths who do one simple thing: pay attention.
and i have been paying attention my whole damn life.
sitting there on the sidelines, watching olivia shine, i felt this unique combination of pride—ohmigod, i know her!! wow she looks so chic and author-ly and fabulous!—and sadness, because it has not yet happened for me, and—if i am being realistic—it may never happen for me.
it is highly, highly possible that my two novels will sit, gathering dust, in a proverbial drawer, until i am old and wrinkly.
and again i have to ask myself: why do it?! what is the point, if all it is in the end is rejection? i’ve had enough of that in my life to last me multiple lifetimes, i’ve never had thick skin (rather, the opposite), i am not cut out for this.
and yet, here i sit, doing the exact thing i’m wondering whether it’s worthy to do. here i sit, writing my silly little newsletter about my thoughts, and the tv shows i’m watching, and the books i’m reading. here i sit, typing away, putting my heart on a silver platter and serving it up to you.
why do it?
after the event wrapped up, i got in line to get my book signed.
as i stood there, trying to identify what color, exactly, the bracelet i’d been given at check-in was—pink? orange? red?—a woman approached me.
sarah! i love your substack. i was so excited to see you here!
i think in the moment i was kind and friendly. i recall maybe telling her that she had made my night? (this is true). but mostly? mostly i sort of blacked out, because there i had been sitting, feeling sorry for myself, wondering why the hell i spend my saturdays writing this thing when it’s yet to result in anything that feels truly tangible, and this incredibly kind stranger had stopped me to tell me she loved my work.
then, two other women—still seated—said the same.
we read your newsletter too!
and then—the icing on the cake!—another, who said, sarah, i’m the one who yelled out that i read your newsletter while running the marathon!
OH MY GOD, i said. this is going to sound weird, but can we get a photo together?!
because my friends STILL talk about that day. the day we stood at mile 19 cheering our little hearts out for our girl amanda, who was CRUSHING the new york marathon (as she always does!) when someone called out my name.
she was literally running the marathon, at mile 19, and she found the brain and breath space to yell out:
sarah!! i read your newsletter!
as i share this photo, i realize, i’ve already forgotten everyone’s names. i am sorry, dear readers! i was overwhelmed with gratitude and quite honestly, surprise.
why do it? for moments like this.
moments in which i am reminded that it doesn’t need to be big, or money-making, or my new career to matter (though i maintain that i need to GTFO of corporate america).
it is so easy to play the comparison game. to read the books of others and think, this isn’t even that good - why did THEY get something i didn’t?! to feel cranky, and bitter. to wonder why it has happened for others, and not for me. to descend into a doubt spiral in which i question every creative choice i’ve ever made, every word i’ve ever written in a spiral-bound notebook or typed on a keyboard. it is so easy to feel like i should just give up the daydream. just be happy with what i have—a well-paying job, an incredible safety net, health insurance, a beautiful, magical roof over my head.
and yet, that little voice persists. the one that says, you were meant for this.
i have always had this (supremely delusional) idea that i was meant to do something important. important being a relative word, of course, but—i’ve never felt like i was put on this planet to float. i don’t think i was meant to be famous, but i do think i was meant to leave a mark.
i know, you just threw up a little in your mouth. i’m sorry.
but it’s the god honest truth: i just have this feeling that there is more out there for me. that some alternate, sliding doors style life is there, hovering in the ether, iridescent and sparkling, just waiting for the right moment to surface.
i don’t know how it will show itself. i don’t know if it will show itself. i may just be, as the youth like to say, delulu.
but a new decade feels like as good a time as ever to be ever so slightly delusional.
why do it? because maybe that life you dream of is possible.
maybe, if you just keep writing, the dream life will come.
friends: if you genuinely enjoy this newsletter, will you a) tap the little heart at the bottom and b) consider sharing it on your IG stories or forwarding along to a friend?
doing so helps ensure big feelings gets seen by more people, as does subscribing (whether paid or free) below.
let’s get into our recs!
it’s been a minute since i had a true crime pod rec! i saw this one mentioned on designer erin gates’ instagram earlier this week, and downloaded the first episode immediately. i listened to the first 30 minutes or so on my walk to and from the coffee shop, then proceeded to binge another 2 episodes that same day. i! am! hooked! if you like a true crime story, you’ll be hooked too. dead certain revisits the 1975 murder of wealthy greenwich, CT teen martha moxley, who was killed the night before halloween. kennedy cousin (yes, those kennedys!) michael skakel, who convicted of the murder—and then later exonerated—speaks publicly about the case for the first time in the show, and maintains his innocence. but if he didn’t do it, who did? the show features incredible, never-before-heard archival audio interviews, as well as recently unsealed evidence, digging deep into who actually killed martha.
ps: other podcast episodes i enjoyed recently included Olivia Muenter’s new podcast project, little pod, the first episode of which finds her interviewing both her parents and her high school english teacher about how they knew she’d be a writer one day, acquired’s remastered take on the NFL (shocking that i found this interesting, but i really did!), the gilded gentleman’s interview with historical fiction author fiona davis (i love her!), and this mel robbins episode about perimenopause and menopause (hello, 40s!).
she left the forest as a child. now, she must return as a woman. woooweee, this book! it is a thriller unlike any i’ve ever read (and i’ve read a lot!). growing up with her siblings in the wild of the new zealand bush, effie believed her parents cut them off from civilization because they loved nature. it never occurred to her that their reasons for hiding might be more menacing. but as a pre-teen, she witnesses her father committing a terrifying act of violence, and flees the wildnerness, escaping to forge a new life for herself halfway across the globe.
as an adult, she is settled—if not entirely stable—when a shocking murder in the bush (and a witness who could be effie’s younger self) draws her back to the place she swore she’d never return. despite her fears, effie boards a plane and finds her way back to the scene of her troubled childhood, desperate to understand why the only witness is a child who looks exactly like her. in order to find out once and for all what became of the family she left behind, she must confront her demons, and make peace with the idea that perhaps the past wasn’t as she remembered it.
get it on amazon | get it on bookshop
ps: if you’re a big reader, follow me on goodreads! i try and rank/save every book i read (i read 81 in 2025!)
you guys. i am downright obsessed with the night manager. i need every single one of you to make that the next show you binge, even though you’re confused as to why the first season premiered way back in 2016 and the second season only came out now. it is worth the ride, i promise. it’s the best thing i’ve watched in a while, and i can’t stop thinking about it (and proselytizing about it to everyone i know).
ok! now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, here’s what else i’m watching: chicago pd, because somehow i can’t quit the dick wolf universe. the pitt, which i think might be even better the second time around. dr. robby forever! i’m eagerly awaiting the return of silo, which is rumored to be returning for season 3 sometime this year, and i’m also cautiously optimistic about apple tv+’s imperfect women, which premieres march 18th. based on araminta hall’s 2020 novel of the same name, imperfect women stars kate mara, kerry washington, and elisabeth moss as 3 best friends, two of whom become shattered by the death of the third. it’s being marketed as an “unconventional thriller that explores guilt and retribution, love and betrayal, and the compromises we make that irrevocably alter our lives.”
SIGN ME UP! i love an unlikeable female character almost as much as i love an unreliable narrator. i think i’m going to try and read the book before the show comes out. has anyone read it already?!
psst! if you like this post, it would mean the world to me if you’d hit the little heart icon, as well as consider sharing it on IG stories or substack notes—so that big feelings can be seen by more people ❤️
like i said above, i’ve been finding a lot of solace in baking as of late. this week alone, i made my go to chocolate chop cookies (recipe here), a batch of my homemade granola (recipe here), and these positively delicious, (mostly!) healthy raspberry jam oat bars. these come together in a single bowl, bake up in a total of 30 minutes, and contain a delish mix of oats, almond flour, honey, and jam. i followed the recipe as written, but made one small swap: where the recipe calls for 1/2 cup of honey, i did a mix of honey and maple syrup. mostly because i love maple, partially because i have a huge jug that my mamas gifted me and i’m trying to cook my way through it before i head home (in march!) for sugar house season, in which i will inevitably buy another huge jar.
this sweater is a really good shopping story. last weekend, my bff joia came in for 48 hours. the purpose of her visit, ostensibly, was for the two of us to go to shoppe object, an incredible trade show*, in search of brands joia could carry at her natural beauty store in our hometown. shoppe was on sunday, and on saturday, we squeezed in a few hours of shopping in nolita, my favorite area to window (and real!) shop. we purchased some of my favorite hand cream at aesop, looked at charms at hart, and perused the racks at sezane. joia did some damage at everlane (these jeans looked incredible on her!). we were about ready to call it a night when i asked if we could pop into vince, just to see if any of their incredible sweaters (generally a wee bit out of my price range) were on sale.
there was no visible sale rack, and honestly, i felt a bit silly asking. but then, to my surprise and delight, the salesgirl told me there was indeed a rack! and on it sat a sweater i had been lusting over since early november (!!!).
oh my god, i said to joia. i saw this sweater in the window months ago and didn’t get it because it was so pricey, and here it is! i’ll just try it on.
of course, once i tried it on, i knew: i had to have it. the mint color is perfectly crisp for winter! it’s unlike anything else i own (literally, i don’t have a single item in this color). and best of all, it was 30% off! it’s still a splurge, for sure—but i have vince sweaters from 5, even 10 years ago that i still wear. their stuff holds up, and if you know you’ll wear it, it makes the cost per wear better than a cheap zara find. it’s soft, it’s beautiful, and i can’t wait to wear it once a week.
ps: i’ve also been experimenting with some new beauty products, mostly to solve for my under-eye circles. i ordered 2 affordable eye creams (this and this) after doing a reddit deep dive, and was gifted this one (which i had been eyeing!) by hannah as part of my 40th birthday gift. i’m also feeling VERY tempted by therabody’s valentine’s day sale, and in particular, by this wand. does anyone own it? is it worth it?
also in my cart: i’m downright obsessed with the agolde jeans i bought in the fall, and have been eyeing a second pair. i swear i’ve never put on more flattering denim!
before you go, here are a few things i enjoyed on the internet this week:
amanda seyfried is a treasure, and this net-a-porter interview/feature with her is stunning.
i owe us an essay on glp-1s, but suffice it to say: this one got me.
my doctor is ON ONE about my protein intake. if yours is too, may i present this list of high protein snacks?
long live the cast of the pitt. so much excellence in one show!
chrissy ford’s newsletter is one of my absolute favorites. i loved this piece on knowing it was time to leave her therapist.
kristen stewart saved an old theater in LA and is fixing it up as a space to make the kind of art she wants to make. oh, how i love this.
are single cat ladies the happiest people ever? well, we’re certainly not the saddest!
i loved this piece on body image from olivia.
this victorian flat, please and thank you!
this Platonic Love essay on infertility is free to read for all, and it is spectacular.
on dating in your forties, and not propping up the men you date. bravo, Joanna Goddard.
❤️ and that, friends, is where i leave you. if you like this post, it would mean the world to me if you’d hit the little heart icon, as well as consider sharing it on stories—so that big feelings can be seen by more people ❤️
First of all, so grateful for your support and SO delighted to read here that you met your readers at the event!!! I know it's probably not helpful to hear this from me, but the truth is that the questions you're grappling with will still exist when you sell a book (yes, it is a WHEN... I firmly believe this as someone who has read and loved both of your books). I still very often feel exactly the things you are describing here.
I guess I just want to tell you that because the truth is that the thing that makes you keep writing *now* will be the same one that helps you keep writing after the first book deal and so on and so forth. It's not the validation from the powers that be or the money that will make it meaningful to you, or will make you a writer, but what you're doing here... showing up week after week, putting forth beautiful words that make people feel less alone in their own experiences and emotions.
Anyway, I'm rambling but I believe in you so much and I believe it's going to happen for you. I really do.
Just wanted to say that your Substack is one of the best ones I follow. Please don’t ever give up on writing!