5 things: so this is 40 (!)
it was the end of a decade, but the start of an age. plus: GP is a really good hang, delish berry cake and easy to bake bread, a v cute v-day gift, and more
happy saturday, friends.
i’m writing you from the friendly skies, where i was upgraded (a birthday surprise!) from a regular ol’ main cabin seat to a delta comfort seat on my flight to mexico city. i’ll be spending the next 10 days in the city, which—as longtime readers know—is one of my favorite places after new york. i first visited cdmx for a long weekend in 2017, and fell in love with the magic of the place. the way the light hits the trees in the parques. the cobblestoned streets of el centro. the colorful buildings of coyoacan, the wide, leafy streets of condesa. mexico city is vast (and most tourists see just one or two gringo-heavy neighborhoods), and populous, full of some of the most delicious, inventive food you’ll ever eat. it is, like all cities, gritty and imperfect. but from the very first time i touched down, i felt a strange, almost eerie sense of calm—a feeling i rarely have in new york, the city i’ve called home for nearly 20 years. there is something about cdmx, something that keeps me coming back to it year after year. even when so many other places are calling, even when i only have so many PTO days a year. it is not my home, and probably never will be—but it is, for whatever reason, a place i feel at home.
in the days leading up to this trip, i didn’t feel ready.
i’ve been planning this particular jaunt—a birthday present to myself for my 40th, and one that involves 11 of my nearest and dearest—since july. i’ve known it was coming. i’ve booked airbnbs, and group tours. i’ve ordered birthday sequins, and repeatedly refreshed the dhl site when 1/2 of said birthday outfit has gotten stuck in a ‘container’ in australia (said top is still somewhere in aus, or maybe somewhere in the ocean, or on a plane—will it arrive in new york in time for hannah to scoop it up for me and pack it in her suitcase? who knows!). i’ve turned 40 (on thursday!), i’ve packed my suitcase; hell, i’ve gotten myself on the airplane, and still, it doesn’t feel quite real.
generally speaking, this is how travel goes for me. it’s why i like to plan longer trips (1-2 weeks) vs. long weekends—because for the first few days on any given vacation, my body still feels like it’s in doer mode. it still wakes up early, it still thinks it needs to check emails and respond to text messages and go go go. it’s only after a handful of days in which i push against my inner productivity nerd that i truly begin to relax. only then that my body coaxes itself into a state of serenity.
this is why i’ve chosen to fly to mexico a few days ahead of my friends. i’ll be in the city alone from tonight (saturday) until wednesday, with nothing on the agenda beyond a catchup date with my (one and only, hah) mexican friend, ana. i specifically booked my flight in on saturday so that i can wake up tomorrow and trek to one of my favorite weekend spots in the city: the tianguis lagunilla (a fabulous flea market). i imagine i’ll get something small and takeout-y for dinner tonight (i’ve been craving a burrito from pollos poncho for days now). i have multiple books downloaded, and intend to do some serious reflecting on what i’d like my 40th year (and my next decade) to look like. i hope to do a lot of walking, and a lot of sipping coffee in the sunshine, and maybe a bit of shopping in my favorite boutiques.
and then, come wednesday, the first of my friends arrive. we’ll get up early thursday (like, pre 5am early) to do a sunrise hot air balloon ride in teotihuacan before taking a guided tour of the pyramids. despite visiting mexico city numerous times in the last 8ish years, i’ve never done the pyramids. and i’ve always—always, despite being semi-terrified of doing so—wanted to do a sunrise hot air balloon ride! it feels like a once in a lifetime opportunity to experience a magical place at a magical time, and i! can’t! wait! i imagine we’ll be early to bed that night after our early wakeup, but lord knows i have so many places on my cdmx list (my custom google map has over 200 places saved!) to show said friends (one of whom visited me last time i spent time in the city, and one who’s never been!). thursday evening also marks the arrival of two additional friends—one of whom is my bff of 38 (dear god, 38! we met in preschool) years. and then friday starts the F-U-N (aka, it’s when everyone else arrives!).
i woke up on thursday morning to a bevy of birthday texts.
texts that continued throughout the day, from friends old and new, from coworkers i hadn’t talked to in months. i opened a birthday card from my mamas, and baked my friend bruce (we share a birthday!) a berry cake for later (more on that below!). all day, i kept waiting for it to hit me. that holy shit, i’m 40 feeling. it never did. not even as i donned a sparkly top and a tinsel headband, not even as i blew out birthday candles in a bar while my friends sang at the top of their lungs. that’s not to say that i felt sad on my birthday (i was worried i would), but more just that it didn’t feel quite…real? my text messages were wonderful, a few folks on my team sent really lovely notes via e-card, i had a funfetti cake. but it all felt a bit…muted? maybe it’s because there’s so much anticipation surrounding a milestone birthday.
maybe it’s because the more distance i get from that fateful ER visit in august and the severe anxiety that came after, the more i realize just how hard the last 6 months have been—how much i’ve been holding my breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop. real, true joy felt, for much of my 39th year, inaccessible to me. that’s not to say i didn’t find pockets of it here and there. but it wasn’t—as i know it wasn’t for many, or for our country, or for the world—a great year.
perhaps that’s it: i’m waiting to see what 40 has to offer me.
i’m still holding my breath, just a little bit. because i don’t want to get ahead of myself, or get too excited. i am cautiously optimistic, because modern medicine (aka lexapro) appears to be taking the edge off of my anxiety, dulling the sharp edges of my panic so that i can lean into the joy just a little bit more. cautiously optimistic because i have some big goals in mind for my next decade, because i’m a little bit woo woo and astrology will tell you this year is a year of change. cautiously optimistic because if my thirties taught me anything, it is that i have the power to change my own life—even when it doesn’t feel like it. that i have the power to create my own joy—even when joy feels impossibly far away. that i have the power to design a life that is entirely my own, absent of the whims and wishes and societal norms pushed upon me by others.
as my old boss (and mentor, if she’ll allow me to use that term) emily texted last night, i’m just getting started.
i intend to write a bit more cogently about turning 40 this week, after my brain has a moment to reset—but ‘til then, thank you, as always, for being here. thank you for sticking around when i’ve written less, or written more, or written entirely incoherently ramblings about my sometimes insane brain. when you guys tell me this newsletter is your favorite thing to receive in your inbox, it makes my day. every time. this creative practice—the art of opening up my laptop and typing out my feelings to 3000ish strangers who don’t feel like strangers each week—it feels a little something like lightning in a bottle. it is a form of therapy for me, and i hope, sometimes, for you, too. ❤️
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let’s get into our recs, shall we?
i know, i know. i shared a GP interview last week too. but this one is just too dang good not to share. we all know amy poehler is funny—but i think people forget (or maybe don’t realize) that GP is funny as hell, too. in a sort of biting, acerbic, ever so slightly sarcastic way. one of the things i’ve always loved about her (did i say this last week?) is how self-aware she is. the woman is able to poke fun at herself; i imagine it’s the only way she’s survived all the think (aka hit) pieces that have been written about her over the years. both her sense of humor and her self awareness are on full display in this delightful hour, in which she talks about everything from her early career to how she takes her coffee (with heavy cream! i fully endorse this). the moment below made me straight up cackle (see!? she’s FUNNY), as did the moment in which amy ran through a slate of her movies and accidentally mistook her for nicole kidman, asking her what it was like to star in cold mountain.
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the episode truly is a good hang (and a great listen). it made me think i should be listening to good hang more often. if you’re an avid listener of poehler’s pod, tell me: which eps should i start with?
ps: other podcast episodes i enjoyed this week included this episode of call her daddy with actress and writer jeanette mccurdy, who wrote the bestselling memoir i’m glad my mom died, and who is releasing her first novel, half his age, on january 13th, this wirecutter episode (one of a 3 part series) about the aftermath of the LA fires (warning: this will make you cry), this episode of culture study about how difficult dating has gotten, and the bad on paper 2026 goals episode.
i’m not sure how i missed great big beautiful life when it first came out in april 2025. i’m not a huge emily henry stan—though i did like beach read and i will likely watch the netflix adaptation of people we meet on vacation—but i was intrigued by great big beautiful life, which is her first foray into women’s fiction (ie, not straight up romance). i’m about 90% of the way through, and here is my predominant thought: i still think this book reads like a romance. as in, it’s mostly rom-com-y tropes and instant chemistry and yes—some hot sexy scenes. there is a plot (a plot that centers around an octogenarian former heiress/tabloid princess who has engaged two writers to tell her story before she dies). but it feels secondary to the romance (aforementioned two writers have immediate chemistry, ironclad NDAs, can’t keep their hands off each other, chaos ensures). that is to say: it reads to me like a romance that has an additional plotline vs. a novel that also features romance. BUT! if you like your books heavy on romance and light on plot, you will enjoy this (i am enjoying it, and will definitely finish it!). it was the perfect thing to read as my second book of 2026, and a lovely, light follow up to the heir apparent, which i’m still thinking about (ditto buckeye, one of the last things i read in 2025).
get it on amazon | get it on bookshop
speaking of which! much like 2024, i read 80 (actually, 81!) books in 2025. i don’t know that i have it in me to write up a full “top ten favorites” list (however would i choose), but…i do love the lil collages goodreads makes for you after you complete your reading challenge. the last two years, i’ve set my goal at 60 books and made it to 80, so this year, i’m starting the bar high. my goal is 80, and we’ll see if i can hit 90.
you can follow me on goodreads to keep up with this year’s reading challenge! i try and rank/save every book i read.
if you, like me, waited—for some unknown reason—to start heated rivalry—stop what you are doing right now, and get thee to your television! this show. this! show! if you’ve watched it, you know: it is one of a kind, sexy and special and a little bit (okay, a lot bit) earth-shattering. the scene above made me believe in true love (and made me cry), and the entire series was so well done (the quiet looks! the music!) that i could happily watch it all over again. thank god more seasons are coming. my entire instagram feed right now is basically memes from this show + cat videos (well, that and jacob frey telling ICE to get the fuck out of minneapolis, which i HEAVILY support), and honestly? that’s all i ever want it to be. i don’t think i’ve loved a show this much in a long time, and that’s saying something, because you know i watch a lot of tv.
i am a heterosexual woman, but as most of you know, i’m the daughter of two lesbians—two women who met in their twenties and have been together for 50 years. my mamas—as well as a handful of my dear friends—show me what queer joy looks like each and every day. but it is rare (still!) to see relationships like theirs depicted on television. and even rarer to see them depicted in such a truthful, honest fashion. i still remember years ago when the fosters premiered on freeform (back then it was abc family). i loved that show because i love a teen show, but mostly, i loved it because it depicted a family with two moms without being about the fact that the family had two moms. the foster family was just a regular family, and i loved them (and the show) for that.
after i finished heated rivalry, i texted my family group chat and said everyone had to watch it. ten minutes into the first episode, my mommy said she wasn’t sure. too much sex! why so much sex?! i told her to keep watching. she would like it, i promised. the sex was just a part of the story. i knew, in particular, that she would love the moment pictured above—and also that she would love the very last scenes (no spoilers, but if you know, you know).
once she finished, this was her (hilarious, and honestly kind of spot on) review: after i got past all the fucking, it was really good!
my moms fought long and hard for the life they wanted—for the life they have built for themselves and for my sister and i. i am grateful every day for their passion, and their bravery; for the ways in which they move through the world. heated rivalry might be just a show, but it is a show that validates the beauty of love like that of my parents. love that is solid and true, as solid and true as any other relationship may be.
psst! if you like this post, it would mean the world to me if you’d hit the little heart icon, as well as consider sharing it on IG stories or substack notes—so that big feelings can be seen by more people ❤️
i found returning to work (even after not truly taking any real time off over the holidays) to be a real struggle. so i turned, as i often do in times of distress, to baking. i was craving a hearty, doughy bread on which to slather butter and sprinkle sea salt, and i found exactly that in this could not be easier recipe from the always trustworthy sally of sally’s baking addiction. all you need is 4 ingredients—bread flour, salt, instant yeast, and water—plus a little bit of time, and voila! you have beautiful, delish artisan bread that is perfect for sandwiches, soups, and snacking. sally recommends you let the dough rise for a long time (this is how the flavor builds!), but i’m here to tell you i did the bare minimum from a time perspective (i was hungry/impatient!) and it was still pretty damn good. i’d go so far as to call the recipe unscrewupable. it really is that easy! next time i make it, i intend to let it rest longer (for aforementioned flavor development), as well as add some fresh herbs (i’m thinking some fresh rosemary, and maybe garlic, too?).
ps: i also made a DELICIOUS berry cake for my friend bruce for our shared birthday on thursday evening (he loves a berry dessert). i found the recipe on pinterest, so i can take no credit, but i’ll tell you: this cake got rave reviews! i forgot to snap an after photo, but here it is about to go into the oven. pretty AND delish! i can’t wait to make it again.
i recently ordered a few kate mcleod products for my bath/moisture routine, and found myself taken with these limited time heart-shaped moisture stones, which i think would make a perfect valentine gift. i ordered one to gift to my bestie, who will be visiting me in early february (a few weeks ahead of v-day, but close enough!), and who is very much deserving of a little treat. i can’t wait to wrap it up in cute paper, top it with a ribbon, and surprise her with it. my mom always used to buy little silly valentine’s day gifts for my sister and i, and as someone who very rarely got a valentine from anyone else (at least, a romantic one!), the thoughtful gesture always made me feel happy and loved. seems like a lovely gesture to start doing myself in my 40th year!
if you’re curious, i ordered these eucalyptus bath pebbles (which are both aromatherapeutic and moisturizing!), as well as this wintery-scented duo of moisture sticks—which were on sale!—for myself.
before you go, here are a few things i enjoyed on the internet this week:
i loved this essay from Grace Atwood about being in the kitchen with her father. i think it’s my favorite piece of hers she’s ever written!
on getting german citizenship after your family fled the country during the holocaust.
Annie Dabir substack, dabbling, is one of my absolute favorites. she doesn’t post often, but each time she sends a newsletter, i get excited: her branding work (her eye!) is impeccable, and i love seeing how she “rebrands” common people, places, and things. this week it was country music!
i’ve decided to add fancy train travel to my adventure bucket list. who wants to spurge on a trip on the belmond with me?! this list of beautiful train trips in england has me hot to trot (train).
speaking of travel, this list of travel hacks from the points guy is an excellent thing to bookmark for your next trip. this isn’t a hack, but i’ll tell you i never travel without my noise-cancelling headphones, which are positively life-saving on flights.
i can’t wait to make david lebovitz’s citron tart! maybe i need to host a late january dinner party…
emily henderson’s best of design list from 2025 has so much eye candy, i can’t take it!
❤️ and that, friends, is where i leave you. if you like this post, it would mean the world to me if you’d hit the little heart icon, as well as consider sharing it on stories—so that big feelings can be seen by more people ❤️
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! May your celebration be all that you need and want it to be for the next several days (it sounds fabulous!). What I learned about my 40th milestone birthday is that it took me a while to "settle into" the new decade and that the woman I continue to become is more confident, caring, and a bit more badass - I hope that for you as well!
Happy Birthday Bliss!! I loved the Ina Garten episode of Good Hang. Highly recommend watching these on youtube!! I turn 40 in March. Thank you for the inspiration!