the ache

on dating, and loneliness, and finding someone who feels like home

there is a restaurant near me, a sort of cozy, neighborhood-y spot where the owners know your name, and maybe even your dog’s name, too. it occupies a corner, and at night, it glows from within. when the windows are open in the summer, and the sidewalk tables are out, you can hear the sound of revelry from down the street. the clink of glasses, the sound of knives and forks scraping against plates. you can hear laughter, soft like a tinkling bell. when the windows are closed in the winter, you can’t hear a thing—but you can feel the warmth emanating from inside. you can see the candles blinking on tables, the sparkle of the christmas tree that sits in the corner for all of holiday season, and sometimes, into january.

i love this restaurant. back before the pandemic, when they were open for brunch, you could find me there nearly every sunday, sitting at the bar with my kindle, eating an israeli breakfast, sipping a coffee and shooting the shit with a bartender named josh. post-pandemic, the restaurant is only open in the evenings, and i find myself there less and less.

the other night, i found myself walking by at nighttime, when the tinsel tree was aglitter and the candles were flickering. and i found myself thinking how much i wanted to be in there, clustered around a small wooden table, sipping a crisp glass of white wine, or maybe even a fizzy lambrusco. and i felt this intense twinge of loneliness, like i was on the outside, looking in, and might be forever.

it comes and goes, this loneliness. sometimes, i’ll go months without feeling it. other times, it threatens to pull me under. those moments, the moments in which i feel, suddenly, like someone has taken a cleaver to my heart—i can never predict them. sometimes they occur when i’m walking by a restaurant. sometimes they occur when i see one person take another person’s hand on the sidewalk or the subway. sometimes they occur while watching a movie, or while watching a friend interact with their partner. often times, they’re fleeting. but other times? other times, they stick around.

i went on two first dates this week.

one was a lunch date at a mexican restaurant i used to frequent in a prior life. the other was drinks, at a cozy, christmas-y spot uptown.