5 things: is it ambition, or is it fear?
will we ever be enough? plus: mariska on call her daddy, the perfect home for your farmer's market fruit + veg, two good thrillers, and more
happy weekend, friends.
i’m having one of those nearly perfect saturdays that comes around every so often. i was up at 7am, having gone to bed straight after coming home from drinks and dinner last night. i drank a big glass of water, started working on this newsletter, then had a cup of coffee. i did a full clean out of the kittens’ litter box, vacuumed my rugs, emptied my trash. i made a piece of toast with peanut butter, blueberries, and chia seeds. i put on my running clothes, tucked a baggu in one pocket and a plastic baggie of cash (to protect it from my sweat, height of chic, etc.) in the other. by 9am, i was cruising up avenue b, stray hairs sticking to my forehead, en route to the union square greenmarket. by 9:30, i was chugging a bottle of water from a bodega, then filling my baggu with fresh flowers (lisianthus!), fruit and veg. i made it back home by 10:30, rinsed off, and had a bowl of yogurt, then spent another hour or so on this newsletter before biking over to soho for a massage at my favorite hidden gem.
earlier this week, i booked myself an hour of hot stone + a 15 minute scalp massage, after my therapist—having heard about last week at home—asked me what i was doing to release all the energy that had built up in my body and my brain. i’d just finished telling her that as soon as i’d gotten in the car to drive back to new york on saturday morning, the tears had come. suddenly, and briefly, and in relation to absolutely nothing beyond the fact that i was leaving, and that—for the first time in a week—i had the choice of total, absolute silence.
as i recounted this, she nodded. you were in fight or flight all week. you were just doing what you had to do in the moment. unspoken in that statement: i did not let myself break. because how could i? people were counting on me, both at work and at home. i spend a lot of time in therapy talking about my inherent nature as a doer. i’m tempted to make a joke that this is, of course, an oh so capricorn-y trait (and it is), but i think it’s more than that. if i just keep doing, i make myself good. i make myself right. i prove myself to be enough. if i just keep doing, eventually, everything will work out, right?
earlier today, i listened to a podcast episode entitled is work stress sabotaging your relationships? the episode is mostly about work stress in relation to marriage, or at the very least, in relation to committed relationships. i am neither married nor in a serious relationship, so one could easily make the argument that the episode was not designed for me. but here and there, i found a nugget that spoke to me.
one in particular that stuck out? the idea that often times, people who are ambitious at work are really just driven by a childhood wound/belief that they’re not enough. i mean…woof, right?
it’s me, hi, i’m the problem, it’s me.
when i first started at my last job, i was just a few years out from a devastating breakup.
not a romantic one, but rather, a friendship breakup. all four of my college friends broke up with me at once—an event i’ve written about here before and one i sincerely believe cleaved my life in two. there was before sarah, and there is after sarah.
for the first few years after that breakup, my self-confidence was at an all-time low. i had been dumped by the women i thought would be by my side forever, and as a result, i believed i was—and always would be—fundamentally broken. nothing could have convinced me in those first few years post-breakup that i had ever been enough for anyone, or anything, or that i ever would be again.
but starting that job? starting that job gave me a purpose. it gave me a place to put my energy, my time, my care. it gave me friends, yes—friends who i’m still close with today, as well as the boss i’m now lucky enough to consider both a guiding light in the industry and a friend. that job didn’t just give me somewhere to work, somewhere to go each day. it gave me something to work towards. it gave me real, true ambition.
i might not have been enough for my college friends, but if i worked hard enough, if i put my heart and soul into my job, then maybe—just maybe—i could make myself believe i was enough. for someone. or rather, for something.
last week, when the shit hit the fan at home, i felt trapped.
trapped in my house, trapped in my work responsibilities, trapped in my life. i felt like i was holding up the sky on both fronts, and that i couldn’t desert either of them. i was the lone creative leader “in the office” (what with it being july 4th week), so i could not desert my team. i was the one who’d come to massachusetts to be a caregiver, so of course i could not desert my family. all week long, i thought to myself, if i just keep putting one foot in front of the other, i can do it.
i think i can, i think i can, i think i can.
but with a little bit of distance (and, okay, yes, a bit of pushing from my therapist), i realize: a person less concerned with her enough-ness would’ve called her boss and said, i’m sorry, i have a family emergency, i need to take the week.
why didn’t i feel like i could do that? any normal person would hear the phrase, my 75 year old mother fell down the stairs and think, GO. FORGET ABOUT WORK.
but me? me, i thought, i just have to work smarter.
is it ambition? or is it fear? fear that no matter what i do, no matter how much i optimize, or intellectualize, or emote, it won’t ever be enough.
years ago, my dear friend hannah got on the apps (side note, she is now happily married to her lovely wife, who i adore!).
in talking about her profile creation, it came up that she was swiping left on anyone who said they were looking for a partner who was ambitious. now, i’m paraphrasing here (forgive me, han!), but the implication was clear: ambition, to her, was a dirty word.
at the time, i recall feeling slightly offended, even though the comment was neither directed at me nor about me. because i prided myself on my ambition, and also, i thought it was important that i found a partner who was on my level there. i didn’t want a “floaty human” who coasted through life without goals or purpose. i wanted someone who had big plans.
if i’m being honest, i still want that. but the older i get, the older my parents get, the further along i get in my career…i realize that perhaps hannah had it right all along. ambition may not be an entirely dirty word. but it might be driven not by wanting to do great and wonderful things, but by something a bit more sinister. the irrational (and often entirely untrue) believe that we are only enough if we do it all.
and so today, i chose self-care.
both in the silly, capitalist way (see: an expensive massage), but also in the simple, quieter ways: i went to bed early. i exercised, and bought myself flowers. though i’ll soon press send on this newsletter and head uptown to meet up with friends, i’ve given myself nearly the entirety of the day to do whatever the heck i want. whatever my body feels like doing.
and you know what? after nearly two weeks of feeling as though i can’t release a single breath, i think i’ve finally exhaled.
in my massage, i found myself reaching that state of bliss where you nearly fall asleep. my limbs felt gooey, my mouth felt cotton-y, my skin felt sticky and scented with lavender. for a brief moment, my brain turned off. after a series of weeks in which turning off felt damn near impossible, i had it: quiet. peace. release.
and with that, friends, i will leave you to your weekend. but first, i’ll ask you the thing my therapist often asks me at the end of our sessions:
how are you going to take care of yourself today?
because as she so kindly reminded me as i left on tuesday night, all of us are but one person. and we cannot—though we may try—pour from an empty cup.
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and now for this week’s recs!
say what you will about alex cooper, but the woman pulls in some big guests. i’m not the biggest fan of alex’s interview style, but i did really enjoy this episode with mariska hargitay (or, as my mom calls her—if you read last week’s newsletter, you know!), olivia. mariska’s been making the rounds in the podcast-verse to promote her new documentary film, my mom jayne, and spent a portion of the interview talking about that process. having watched the doc while at home with my mamas, i enjoyed getting a BTS look into the making of the movie. but it was mariska and alex’s frank conversations about their past sexual assaults, and the work mariska has done (both via svu and as an activist) to ensure women have a voice that really got me. i feel like anyone who’s paid any attention to her over the years (or watched the show) knows this, but man…what a strong, badass woman! i could have listened to her talk for hours. she’s endlessly fascinating, surprisingly hilarious, and incredibly candid. if you haven’t watched the doc yet, it’s available on HBO max. i’d recommend both that and this interview. even if you’re not a CHD fan, it’s worth a listen!
ps: other podcast episodes i enjoyed this week included this we can do hard things episode about why protest works (hope!!), this episode of
on sabrina carpenter and the politics of pop star sexuality (SO GOOD), and all the recap episodes of the official gilded age podcast, which i devour after the episodes air!
last week i told you i’d started the new megan abbott thriller. now, i’ve finished it, and am happy to report my instincts were right: it was good. not as good as some of her earlier novels (i just love the fever and give me your hand so much!), but still, quite good. el dorado drive is described as simmering and atmospheric. i’d also add destined to be made into a miniseries, because i think it would make an excellent show.
the bishop sisters grew up in the moneyed suburbs of detroit, privileged until they weren’t. as the auto industry declined, so too did their fortunes. as adults, the sisters struggle to get by. harper, the youngest, is barely making ends meet as a horse trainer. middle sister pam—the prettiest, most charismatic one—is in the midst of a contentious battle with her ex-husband, who’s siphoned all the money out of his children’s college funds and left the family in a shitty apartment on the wrong side of town. debra, the oldest, is breaking under the weight of medical bills as she struggles to care for her once vibrant husband, perry, through cancer.
life hasn’t worked out the way the sisters thought it would. so when pam approaches harper and debra about “the wheel,” a secret club that enables women like themselves—middle-aged and of declining means—to make money independent of husbands or families, they cannot turn her down. all too quickly, they learn: the wheel is as dangerous as any pyramid scheme. and there’s no such thing as getting rich quick without getting hurt.
get it on amazon | get it on bookshop
ps: if you’re a big reader, follow me on goodreads! i try and rank/save every book i read (i read 80 in 2024!)
if you, like me, have a penchant for soapy teen dramas, this one is for you. we were liars is based on the best-selling 2014 YA novel of the same name. maybe you read it? i know that i did, but 2024 was 11 years ago, which means i barely remember the plot and therefore get to be entirely, delightfully surprised by the show, which premiered on amazon prime recently and which i watched the first two episodes of earlier this week.
the series follows cadence sinclair eastman (played by emily alyn lind, who you may remember from the gossip girl reboot) and her tight-knit inner circle of cousins + friends—nicknamed “the liars”—during their summers spent vacationing on their grandfather’s private island. on the surface, the sinclairs are known for their good looks, their wealth, and their close familial bonds. but after an accident changes everything, everyone has something to lie about.
when the show opens, cadence and crew are just kicking off summer 16 (their 16th summer on the island, not to be confused with 2016), and all is perfect. she’s with her favorite people. she’s falling in love! but as we soon learn, perfection is a lie. by episode 2, we’ve skipped ahead a year, and everything has changed. cadence has suffered a traumatic head injury, and thanks to amnesia, has no idea how she got it. she can’t remember anything about summer 16—and no one in her family will tell her.
if you liked sirens on netflix, or were a pretty little liars fan back in the day (i could talk about that show for DAYYYSSS!), i think you’ll like this.
psst! if you like this post, it would mean the world to me if you’d hit the little heart icon, as well as consider sharing it on IG stories or substack notes—so that big feelings can be seen by more people ❤️
here in new york, it’s the most wonderful time of the year! and by that i mean that the farmer’s markets are in full swing. last sunday, i grabbed a morning coffee, then strolled up to the tompkins square greenmarket. i had a podcast in my ears, the sun was shining, i was glistening (okay, i was sweating). after the long, stressful week at home, i was back in my city, back in control of my schedule, and for a moment, it felt like all was right in the world. i filled my french market tote (procured pre-pandemic at a favorite boutique in old town nice that i cannot recall the name of but could find without a map if needed) with kirby cucumbers and colorful summer squash, peaches and plums and a giant bag of green beans.
mid-week, i used those green beans to make david tanis’ tomato + green bean salad with chickpeas, dill, and feta. bright, crisp, and summery, it made for a perfect lunch—and took just long enough to prep that i felt like i got a genuine brain break between meetings. i ate mine with a few slices of smoked turkey for protein (though chickpeas do contain protein, too!), and added some blanched broccoli rabe i had in the fridge for extra greens. DELISH!
ps: i also made this EXCELLENT peach crumble with tahini topping. highly recommend—will share full deets in next week’s newsletter!
i know, i know. i’m 99% sure i’ve shared this particular product with you before. but i feel the need to share it again, because i recently placed a large order of oak essentials products, spurred on by my need to restock this eye balm, which i swear has done more for my undereye area in the last year than literally any other eye cream i’ve tried (yes, even more than my beloved kiehl’s creamy avocado!). i’m officially less than 6 months out from my 40th birthday, and while there is a part of me that feels undeniably, interminably old, there’s another part of me that thinks i’ve never looked better. i eat well. i exercise 6 days a week; adding true strength into my routine over the past year has given me seriously defined shoulders (!) for the first time ever. i have a handful of grey hairs, but every time i get fresh highlights (i’m due in a few weeks!), they disappear into the blonde. i get a small amount of botox in my forehead ever 4-5 months, a luxury i always thought i’d shun but now don’t have even an ounce of shame about. and my under eyes…they look PRETTY DARN GOOD FOR SOMEONE WHO IS ALMOST 40! and that, my friends, is due to this eye balm. just trust me, and try it, yes? i promise it’s worth the spend (and that one jar lasts quite a while; you only need a tiny bit!).
ps: if you happen to decide to place an order, here are some other products i love: perfecting body scrub (the smell is heavenly!), dew body oil (ditto on the scent front!), violet santal fragrance (i initially ordered a discovery set for $20, and LOVED this one). i also ordered the new aluminum-free deodorant (i’ll report back!).
pps: when you place your order, you get free samples. do the travel/tester version of the eye balm. the “little” packets are quite healthily sized; one packet will get you through a 2 week trip!
here are a few things i enjoyed on the internet this week:
that feeling when you discover one of your fave cdmx taco spots has a pop up in the village!
two writers, two very different portrayals of a marriage that fell apart.
i loved this feature on keith mcnally’s new york apartment. the art! the lampshades! the stories!
has anyone attempted to make magnolia bakery’s banana pudding at home? should i try?!
tour carrie bradshaw’s gramery park home (video). set designers are so goddamn cool.
❤️ and that, friends, is where i leave you. if you like this post, it would mean the world to me if you’d hit the little heart icon, as well as consider sharing it on stories—so that big feelings can be seen by more people ❤️
We don't have packaged pudding mix in the UK but I have made the Smitten Kitchen banana pudding - https://smittenkitchen.com/2016/01/banana-pudding-with-vanilla-bean-wafers/ - and it was *delicious*
I recommend the memoir ambition monster ! Super well written and helped me see my own workaholism more clearly