5 things: choosing calm
it might be summer, but i'm choosing quiet over craziness. plus: the best books of the year so far, brown butter cornflake cookies (!), my new netflix obsession, and more.
happy weekend, friends.
after some truly diabolical weather last week, we’re experiencing a spate of positively perfect summer days here in new york—sunshine so plentiful, humidity so long, air so clean that it feels like a gift. yesterday, hannah and i took advantage of a post-pitch-craziness slow day and lugged our giant laptops to the rooftop pool at bathhouse, where we were able to spend a few blissful hours unplugged and happy; so happy that hannah remarked it felt a bit like we were on vacation. except we weren’t, we were in our own city, just 1 mile away from each of our homes. following our time in the sun, we trudged back into the moody darkness and braved the cold plunge before rinsing off, putting our street clothes back on, and sitting down at a cafe a few blocks away for lemonade, kale salad, and (of course) fries.
this morning, i decided to retrace a route i ran last week, and wound my way not down the east river but instead, through the streets of the east village into gramercy, and then across to chelsea before ducking back down to the union square greenmarket, where i arrived tomato-faced and sweaty, a big (easy collapsible, fits in my legging pocket!) big feelings tote tucked away for my shopping needs. i bought myself two giant bunches of lisianthus, my absolute favorite summer flower (and cat safe to boot!), along with multiple $5 ‘bulk bags’ of mixed tomatoes, two yellow zucchinis, a big bag of sugar snap peas (my favorite!), a pint of blueberries, and a huge bunch of basil i intend to turn into pesto on sunday.
after hitting the 3.1 mile mark but before i crossed 5th avenue to head to the market, i popped into pura vida for an (absurdly overpriced but quite delicious) smoothie, which i made more absurdly overpriced by adding collagen for $1. while i waited for the buzzer to alert me that my order was ready, i perched at a table and guzzled cold water, waiting for the redness in my face to subside. my run, like all of my runs in the last week or so, felt hard—harder than it should have, given how steadily i’ve been (re) training my body. this is, i think, a result of my ferritin levels, which are an indication of the level of iron stores in one’s body. pre-fibroid removal, my ferritin was around 20, and my iron levels around the same. post-surgery, my iron has come up a bit (though not as drastically as i’d hoped), but my ferritin has continued to drop. when i had blood work done earlier this month, it was down to 13 (!). this puts me right on the cusp of what my doctor deems acceptable, but do a tiny bit of digging online and you’ll learn that the real optimal number is closer to 70—and that’s just so you don’t feel exhausted all the time and your hair isn’t falling out (i do, and i think mine is).
i only know it’s dropped (from 20 to 18 to 13) because i asked my GYN for a referral to a gastroenterologist, who i asked to schedule me for a colonscopy/endoscopy to see if there are any unknown sources of bleeding elsewhere in the body that might be contributing to my body’s inability to hold onto the iron i do consume (both via food and supplementation). my new gastro is lovely and intelligent, and got me on the schedule for early september. she also tested me for celiac, h pylori, and a handful of other things—all of which came back negative, aka: not the reason for my low iron stores.
I AM A MEDICAL MYSTERY!
just kidding.
i think most women, were they to test their ferritin, or look for it in their bloodwork, would find they, too, are deficient. it’s far more common than one might think (as are fibroids, for the record). and while i could absolutely, unequivocally get on my soapbox about how ALL OF THIS WOULD BE BETTER RESEARCHED IF MEN BLED EVERY MONTH, that’s actually not the story i’m wanting to tell today. the story i’m wanting to tell today is, i think, ever so slightly more nuanced. as i sat there in pura vida, a bougie cafe that i believe originated in miami and is the type of place where the music gives spa vibes and the lighting gives beach vibes and the smoothies are $16 a pop, i realized:
the thing i care most about at this point in my life is my health.
between my own surgery last year (and all the insanity leading up to it), my dizzy spells and my visit to the ER, and—of course—my momma’s breast cancer diagnosis and cognitive decline over the last 7ish months, i’ve never felt more “health is wealth”-y in my life. it is all i can think about, though i think (hope) not in an obsessive way. i recently purchased an oura ring, despite many missives from friends who begged me “not to become one of those people who shares her sleep scores.” it was a splurge (i got the new thinner one in gold), and i’m already obsessed with the data it’s giving me (and, for the record, have yet to share my sleep score with anyone beyond the people who ask!). last friday, at an influencer event with hannah, i had one of my dizzy spells. later that day, i was able to see in my oura data that my heart rate had indeed spiked during that time—verifiable proof that when i say “i feel weird” it’s not in my head (or at least, not entirely). the data isn’t entirely accurate, as far as i can tell or at least, it isn’t yet—they say that oura needs a few weeks to “learn” you; on wednesday, it told me i was “stressed” while at a friend’s birthday dinner in which i’d been laughing hysterically about fart humor and whether i was about to get diarrhea from the caesar salad i’d ordered whilst forgetting about cyclosporiasis. but yesterday, while i sat by the pool chatting and lounging and forgetting for a moment that my momma is sick and i’ve got these weird dizzy spells i still can’t figure out, my ring clocked it: i spent the entire day feeling relaxed.
i’m rambling, aren’t i? i’ll try and reign it in.
at the pool, i had a single glass of rose. because it was a sunny thursday in the middle of the summer, i was living the dream with one of my nearest and dearest, and feeling overcome with the luck and magic of my life despite it all. but when the cute bartender returned to ask if we wanted another, i demurred. not because i was worried about getting tipsy (though i do get a hell of a hangover these days if i push past 2 glasses!), but because it just…didn’t feel worth it to me.
it so often doesn’t, these days. i can’t tell you the last time i had more than 3 drinks, nor the last time i smoked a joint. i can’t tell you the last time i took a tequila shot or stayed out late in a crowded bar. i’ve still yet to do a single hard drug and now that i’m 40, i think i likely never will. more and more, i prefer to rest early and rise early, to say no to social plans when they feel like too much.
and while i’m certain i could be “having more fun” (and have so many friends who ARE and DO), i feel…content with my decision to say yes to less. to life a slower, quieter life than many of the people i love. because at the end of the day, i have learned the value of treating my body right. of eating home-cooked meals of fresh produce and staying hydrated. of focusing on strength and listening to my body when it needs to rest. on going to bed early so that i can get a good 8 hours of sleep before luna inevitably jumps straight onto my face with her morning HELLO PLEASE GET UP I AM AWAKE meow.
if this last year has taught me anything, it’s that absolutely nothing is promised. not our physical health nor our mental health. we cannot strength train our way out of cognitive decline or eat our way out of cancer—this i know—but for some reason, to me, it feels like i must try. try to treat my body well and right while i still have the capacity to do so. i want to run because i can run. i want to strength train because i can lift heavy. i want to climb into bed feeling accomplished and clear, not stressed out and mentally fuzzy.
some days, i wish i was the fun friend. the friend who’s always down for a last minute plan, the friend who still parties like she’s 20 and stays out ‘til 3am. but most days? most days, i feel content with my version of life, which is perhaps less cool, but feels more caring—to both my body and my heart, which continue to muddle through this period we’ve found ourselves in.
as i write this, i’m prepping to head out for the evening.
while so many new yorkers will spill out onto sidewalks, vape smoke trailing and laughter tinkling like a just rung bell, i’ll do something softer, quieter: meet a group of girlfriends for a candle-making workshop down by the seaport, followed by a yummy, soul-filling pasta dinner. i may have a glass of wine, i may not. either way, i know: i’ll be back home by 9pm, 10pm at the latest, snuggling my cats on the couch before climbing into my bed to read before i shut out the lights.
it is not a loud life, nor a super exciting one. but it is the life i want, and—if i’m being honest—the life i need right now (and maybe always). i don’t need fancy health tech to tell me i prefer small groups and quieter convos, that i feel better when i go to bed early and rise with the sun. i know these things innately, and the older i get, the more i value this—this knowing that i may not be as booked and busy as others, but i am living the life that works best for me. that i am prioritizing my health above all else because it is in so many ways the absolute most important thing in my life right now and always. at any moment, i could get a terrible phone call, or receive a horrible diagnosis, or twist my ankle or break my arm. i say this not because i am living in fear (though every so often i do fear these things!), but because this last year has taught me to appreciate every single moment in which i feel good, and happy, and healthy. in which my body moves in the way i want it to, without pain or strife. i want to soak up this life while i am young and semi-beautiful and able-bodied. i want to optimize my days so that i feel this way as long as i possibly can. i want to fling open my windows in the low humidity, 6am sunshine. i want to run to the farmer’s market and buy all the flowers (and the expensive smoothies, too).
i want to live as much as i can right now, feel as good as i can right now, because i don’t know that this feeling is promised, and i do know it won’t last. it can’t. all of us will age, all of our bodies will break down, none of us will be young forever.
i cannot control the fact that my mama got cancer, or that her treatment nearly took her out. i cannot control that yesterday, she spent the afternoon in the ER getting fluids because she was so woozy the radiation oncologist got nervous. i cannot control that i still have dizzy spells, that my doctor continues to insist i am fine when i do not feel fine much of the time. but i can control how i take care of my body. i can treat it with kindness, nourish it with food and water and a good night’s rest. i don’t have to be a saint, but i can live with care.
and so that is what i am doing as of late: living with more care. not pushing myself because i think i “should” or because it will make me seem more fun or make others happy. i am going home when i want to go home, and resting when i want to rest, and not overbooking myself just because it’s summer. does this mean i’m a hermit? not in the slightest—on the contrary, i feel my summer has been delightfully full. but it does mean that i’m attempting to listen to my body when it speaks, and give it what it needs when it asks. because this body—the one that has held me all these years—it’s the only one i get. and i want to live in it as long as i can.
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now that i’ve made you all contemplative and weepy, let’s get into our recs.
i was thrilled to see i’d read 2 books on the nyt’s best books of the year (so far!) list—and had another two waiting in the wings: whistler by ann patchett, which i finished last week and savored ‘til the very last page and the keeper by tana french, which i read as soon as it was released earlier this year. also on my kindle, but not yet started: the calamity club by kathryn stockett, and kin by tayari jones—both of which i keep hearing incredible things about. i often find the nyt’s list to be out of touch and rather stuffy, so i was surprised to see my reading tastes syncing up with the likes of gilbert cruz and co. is it possible the nyt is actually expanding their definition of what good/best means?! we love to see it if so. either way, this episode is a fun listen. cruz brings on regular book review pod contributors MJ Franklin and joumana khatib to talk through their favorites, and the three have such lovely chemistry that the ep flies by. i was particularly drawn to their non-fiction recs, as i’ve found i love a non-fiction book read via audio, and immediately added this and this to my list.
ps: other podcasts i enjoyed this week included: timothy olyphant on talk easy, zohran mamdani on the interview, and also on the weekly show with jon stewart (two very different interviews!), as well as this episode of second life with the founder of kitsch, a haircare brand (if you like entrepreneurship, this one is a must!).
do you ever read a book and think, how on earth did the author stitch all these things together? that’s how i felt reading jo piazza’s latest, the parisian heist. this book has it ALL - dual timelines. multiple POVs. it’s historical fiction but it’s also contemporary literature. it has mystery! it has famous artists! it has—as the title specifies—an art heist! i listened to it vs. read it on my kindle, and i wonder if this contributed to my feeling like there was a lot going on in this book. mostly, it worked for me. it was a fun read, perfect for summer! jo is an excellent writer, and her plots move at a clip. if you’ve liked her other novels (especially the sicilian inheritance, which i loved!), you’ll like this one. but you should know going in: there is a lot to grapple with here. so much so that i almost wished the story had been simplified. one timeline, or the other.
it made me think back to feedback i received on my very first novel draft i shared with an agent. she told me, essentially, that novels that sell have multiple plots, and that every book needs a love story. the book was about the dissolution of a group of friends; it was a breakup story, but not a romantic breakup story. ultimately, she passed on the book (she has since passed on my second one, too) because she felt that to turn it into something she could sell, she’d have to tell me to make it something i didn’t want it to be. in retrospect, i understand that she was trying to be kind—teaching me what helps novels sell (clearly, i’ve not yet succeeded!). what readers look for, and perhaps more importantly, what publishers and editors do. but i can’t help but feel that in some ways, we’ve arrived at a time in which books feel crammed and formulaic—designed to SELL (and get adapted for tv) rather than to just…BE what they were meant to be.
i’m curious: do you appreciate a jam-packed book? or do you, like me, prefer your novels more single-minded?
get it on amazon | get it on bookshop.org
ps: if you’re a big reader, check out the library—a full archive of all the books i’ve recommended here on big feelings, sorted by genre and mood!
i can’t wait to dive into season two of ransom canyon, which premiered on netflix earlier this week. the second season of the soapy show picks up about 6 months after season one left off. quinn (minka kelly) has returned from new york, where she’s been playing piano with the new york philharmonic—and she’s brought along with her a new boyfriend named oliver, who immediately throws a wrench into the longtime will they or won’t they dynamic she has with staten kirkland (played by the insanely gorgeous josh duhamel). last we saw staten, he was reckoning with losing the ranch on which he grew up to his estranged politician father, who is an absolute jerk of a man. then there’s my favorite character, yancy, an ex-con who arrived in ransom canyon out of nowhere and fell head over heels in love with ellie, quinn’s best friend (whilst hiding his dark past from her). looks like in season two, his ex-wife hunts him down?!
long story short: this is, effectively, a soap opera. but it’s a DAMN GOOD ONE. it is spicy, it is sexy, it is thrilling. it’s candy for your brain. i can’t wait to dive in!
ps: if you’re looking for something more high brow, i’m also still VERY into silo season 3 (and want to discuss it with people!), considering starting lucky (also on apple, i read the book!), and have been working my way through season two of the chestnut man on netflix, which is insanely dark and scary but oh so good.
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stop what you are doing and MAKE THESE COOKIES. they are the most delish cookie recipe i’ve made in a minute, and that’s really saying something, because you know i make (and eat) a lot of cookies. they’re brown butter chocolate chip with cornflakes mixed in. sounds weird, is actually incredible—especially once you sprinkle sea salt on the top, which the recipe does not call for but which you should absolutely do to help get that perfect marriage of sweet and savory. i’ve gifted these to multiple people this week, including two friends, and the two women who cut & color my hair. i found the recipe whilst randomly scrolling on instagram and am thrilled i had the inclination to save it. i wouldn’t have remembered it otherwise, and now i can’t wait to make the recipe again! i’ve got zero plans tomorrow (sunday), a kitchen full of farmer’s market produce (tomatoes! zucchini! basil!) and am hoping to spend the day cooking in my sun-drenched kitchen. first up on my list is pesto, but second miiiight be a second batch of these babies.
i’m a huge fan of flamingo estate’s soaps and candles. so when i got an email about this travel set, which includes a mini tomato candle (the BEST), a mini peppermint soap bar, rosemary body wash, lavender face spray, and sage hand cream, i hit “add to cart”—fast. in a few weeks, i leave for nearly two weeks in europe (paris » a wedding in the loire valley » a week in sardinia » one final night in paris » new york), and this set will give me everything i need for my time away and then some. i am the girl who packs a little mesh pouch of in-flight essentials (mini toothbrush, mini toothpaste, sanitizing wipes, face spray, hand cream, etc.), the girl who packs a travel candle, the girl who likes her usual little luxuries even when on the go. and given that i’ll mostly be staying in airbnbs and house rentals vs. hotels (i’ve got two hotel nights, both in paris, but that’s it!), i know i’ll be happy to have these perfectly-scented goodies with me. the idea of spritzing my face with calming, cooling lavender spray whilst sunning on a small sardinia beach = BLISS. i am the luckiest!!
(i ordered it, along with one of my favorite candles—if you’re ever looking to gift me something, this is it!).
before you go, here are a few things i enjoyed on the internet this week:
three cheers for house lemonade—my absolute favorite summer drink, at home and at a restaurant!
really loved this issue of morning person: tips for traveling with friends. number 3, especially: there can be no resentment. LET! IT! GO! traveling is about being flexible. lean into the fact that things might shift, or go wrong, or not be exactly what you wanted or expected. the friends i travel best with are the ones who understand this.
Kayla Douglas put together an excellent list of non-fiction reads. a lot of my faves are on here!
looooved this series on new york teens and their (often tiny!) bedrooms. such a fun peek into real life.
jersey ice cream co. has done it again, this time with an incredible cape may victorian house they restored from top to bottom. absolutely incredible!
verrrry intrigued by these new drinks from cann—no THC, but magnesium!
yay, into the gloss’ top shelf posts are back. peep molly baz’s!
remember how last week i said i was adding bruges to my to-travel list? well, i’ve booked a trip! i’ll be spending two nights here in october, following a long weekend in amsterdam to cheer on my friend amanda, who’s running the marathon! lord knows i didn’t need another international trip this year (esp because i have an IOU to go to mexico at some point!), but…part of my “taking care of myself” YOLO-ness is TRAVELING WHILE I AM YOUNG AND HEALTHY. i’ll end this october trip with a few nights with my relatives in london (i can’t wait to see you, nan!!), and just this morning, bought tickets to see RENT on the west end (!!) with my friend anneliese. i’ve had such fun planning the trip over the past week, and think perhaps i should have been a travel agent instead of a copywriter. never too late, i suppose!
❤️ and that, friends, is where i leave you. if you like this post, it would mean the world to me if you’d hit the little heart icon, as well as consider sharing it on stories—so that big feelings can be seen by more people ❤️
I will be making those cookies asap!
I like both multi timelines and single story. It depends on the book. Since I listen, it is sometimes confusing in the beginning when there are multiple characters and times.
I love that you are taking care of yourself.
Thank you for the Lynn video!