5 things:
seeking balance in the chaos. plus: what to make when it's 100 degrees outside, a 'lesbians in space' novel (!), 2 new bathing suits for summer, and more
happy weekend, friends.
after a serious heatwave earlier this week (the temps broke 100 here!), we’ve returned to the type of weather we’ve come to know here in new york: muggy, rainy, somewhere in between cold and warm. i’m writing this early on saturday morning (7:30am, to be exact), having gone to bed early after a lovely evening of pizza and wine and baby cuddles at a friends’ place. later this morning, i’ll pack my car up and drive home to massachusetts, where i’m spending the week with my family in hopes that i can somehow magically balance my insane workload + playing caretaker to my mom, who had knee surgery earlier this week. before i do that, i’m hoping to finish this newsletter, squeeze in a workout, pick up bagels for my mommas, grab a coffee…
never enough hours in the day! or at least, so it seems lately. i had hoped that summer would bring a bit of a respite in terms of work, but so far, that remains to be seen, and i find myself working for the weekend—and for the two weeks i have off at the beginning of august, a vacation that can’t come soon enough. i suppose i knew when i took this job that it would be a big step up in responsibility, and in many ways, that’s the part that’s been the easiest. when i lean into the little voice in my head that says, you know what you’re doing, i realize (much of the time, anyway) that i do. what i didn’t know when i accepted the role was just how much of other people’s jobs i’d be doing. or attempting to do in order to make my job doable. this is the pill that’s been toughest to swallow, and is—ultimately—the thing that will either get worked out, or cause me to go, yet again. as you’ve likely picked up on if you’ve read this newsletter for a while, i am a natural doer. i want things to be done, i want them to be done right, and i want them to be done in order. i like routine, i like process (within reason!), i like practicality and logic and plans.
the thing that’s tough about being on a team? you can’t force others to plan. you can kick and scream (professionally speaking), but you cannot make others do anything they do not want (or do not have the experience or intelligence or EQ to do). in so many ways, being a modern worker = one big group project. and you don’t get to choose your group.
some weeks, i feel myself settling into my new role with true ease, and i think, oh my god, i’ve done it. but other weeks? other weeks, i feel a little bit like i’m drowning. because my brain can only contain so many thoughts at once, and there are only so many hours in a given day, and already i feel as though i am working too many of them. anyone who’s spent time in corporate america knows what it’s like to have a day so full of meetings that you can’t do any actual work until the day is done (or early the morning after, which has been my jam lately). you probably also know what it’s like to try and maintain some semblance of a social life in addition to that—to exercise, and to have hobbies, and to see your friends.
thus far, i have managed to do all of the above. i’ve managed to maintain relatively good boundaries, leaving things for tomorrow, letting my inbox build up, signing off when i need to sign off to meet whatever social obligations i have—dinners, book clubs, therapy—but this has left me wrung out, and staring down a mental to do list that i feel never ends.
you have to wonder: does it ever end?
where is the middle ground? i want to live a nice life, and travel, and set myself up for financial stability long-term. i have so! much! privilege! i am so! damn! lucky! lucky to live in the city i do, in the home that i do. lucky to have the job that i have, to have the education that helped me get my foot in the door nearly 20 years ago. lucky to have had parents who were able to pay for said education (mostly), who saved and saved and set me up for success. it is enough—it is more than enough, ten times over—and yet sometimes, it still doesn’t feel like it is? this is, i suppose, the curse of capitalism. it never feels like enough.
some days, i stare at my back to back to back calendar and i think, what the fuck is the point of all this money if i have no time to do anything fun with it?!
sometimes, i sign offline at 530pm because what the fuck is the point of this salary if i do not get to enjoy it but then i return home at 9pm and i feel the crush of all the things i did not get to in that day. i collapse onto my couch, or into my bed, and i feel the weight of my mental to do list threatening to explode my brain into a million tiny little pieces.
i have work to do, yes. but also, i have workouts to do. and parking tickets to pay, because twice i was on a meeting i could not get out of, and i didn’t move my car in time. i have doctor’s appointments to schedule, and surgeons to call, and insurance benefits to check. i have to fill out a form that verifies that i do indeed want to hire the candidate i interviewed because dear god all i want is a capable team i can trust and genuinely lead, and no time to do it. i have an inbox that is begging to be sorted, and newsletters to write, and a novel that has sat untouched for months now. i have to clean out my fridge, and clean my windows, and touch up the paint in my apartment, and finally finish the living room built ins i started in january. i have to take the kittens to the vet, and figure out how to stop prudence from eating luna’s food, because luna is thin while prudence is now classified as “obese” (there’s a hidden meaning in that sentence somewhere, i just know it). i have to scoop the kitty litter and clean the bathtub and while i’m at it, i should really look into getting my bathroom tiles regrouted because the white grout long ago turned yellow.
my brain is a never ending ticker, and only rarely can i quiet it.
on saturday night, i went out for a glass of wine with a man i met on hinge. i knew from the moment i sat down that it wouldn’t be a match, and yet, i resisted the urge to get up and walk away. i didn’t want to be rude. if i’m being honest, my gut had told me earlier, when he’d texted “wydt?” even though i’d already told him what i was doing that night—i had planned on a much-needed night in with takeout sushi and tv.
i’m going to be in the les with friends tonight, he said. and so i told myself i should go. what was one drink?! one drink was 30 minutes, 45, tops. i could meet him at 7, be home by 8:30. my fellow forever singles know the internal monologue: go on the goddamn date, sarah. do you want to be single forever?!
and so i went. and proceeded to listen to him talk at me (though i’m certain he thought he was talking to me) about a variety of uninformed opinions that he presented as certified facts. and do you want to know the one that got me the most? when he said this:
there are two types of people in the world. people who have an internal monologue, and people who don’t. i’m the latter. when i’m not talking, my mind is blank.
friends, if i could go back in time, that might have been a good moment to stand up and go.
not because it was offensive, or rude, or even wrong, per se (though for the record i’m not sure i buy it). but because me, with OH SO MANY THOUGHTS could never (never!) date someone who has ZERO THOUGHTS IN HIS BRAIN WHEN HE IS NOT SPEAKING.
now, don’t get me wrong.
i would love—love!—to quiet the noise. but also, that noise is what makes me who i am, in so many ways. i notice things, and feelings, and moments. i observe; i absorb. as mary oliver writes, i pay attention. i can’t imagine moving through the world as someone who doesn’t. do i think my internal monologue could stand to chill? yes, absolutely. did you read the above?! but also: that thoughtfulness is what makes me a good friend, a good daughter, a good member of my community. and i like to think it makes me a good employee and good manager, too.
i know that i have to find a way to cut down my to do list. or at least, to cut down on my rumination about it. there’s got to be a messy middle to be found—some strange, perfect, liminal space in which i do nearly as much as i can, but don’t let it burn me out completely. but i sure as hell haven’t found it yet. and so here i am: writing a newsletter at (now) 8am on a saturday, when most people are sleeping, or drinking their coffee, or doing any other number of normal, reasonable saturday morning things.
someday, i will find equilibrium again. until then, there is this: real life, chaotic and imperfect and the best i can do.
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i continue to be so humbled and grateful that you’re here. that you read, and comment, and every so often, send me a thoughtful email or leave an encouraging comment. if you've not yet subscribed, might you consider doing so?
and now for this week’s recs!
i love the foodie interviews on this is taste, but i love them more when i recognize the interviewee’s name! kelly mencin is the chef/owner of the insanely popular radio bakery here in nyc. she’s also a good friend of my friend maddie! the two of them worked together at gramercy tavern, and have gone on to launch their own businesses in the food world. though i’ve only met kelly once or twice, i was thrilled to see her name pop up in my podcast feed. a bit of a santa! i know him! moment. i loved hearing her journey in the food world—from working at gramercy to opening rolo’s during the pandemic, then transitioning to radio (a big leap!) and making it so damn successful that they’ve already opened a second location and are rapidly outgrowing their original space. kelly is a total delight to listen to, and i was fascinated by the level of thought she puts into the offerings at the bakery. i’m talking finding the exact right dough that can make for a perfect croissant but also other pastries, or the ways in which she staffs radio’s shifts to try and make the most pastries possible (they sell hundreds—sometimes a thousand!) sandwiches a day. if you’ve ever had dreams of opening up a bakery, or just like to bake, i think you’ll enjoy this. also: if you’re coming to new york and want to visit radio, go on a weekday, and go early. things sell out by 10 or 11am!
ps: other podcast eps i enjoyed this week including the final eps of what happened to talina zar (which is a wild and crazy true crime pod you have to listen to to believe!), lemme say this’ take on materialists (i saw it tuesday night, i loved it, but fully understand the criticism!), yesterday’s daily ep on the diddy trial, and sam rockwell live on talk easy.
taylor jenkins reid has graced us with a new novel, and part of me feels like all i need to say is this: LESBIANS IN SPACE. i know the reviews on atmosphere are mixed, but i quite liked it (did not love, but really liked). a love story set against the backdrop of the 1980s space program, atmosphere follows a team of “ascans” (astronaut candidates) at NASA. joan goodwin has been obsessed with the stars for as long as she can remember. she is thoughtful and reserved, content with her life as a professor of physics at rice university. but when her sister barbara spots an advertisement saying that NASA is seeking the first women scientists to join the space shuttle program, she realizes: she wants oh so much more than she has. selected from a pool of thousands, joan begins training in houston in the summer of 1980. that’s where she meets vanessa—a cooler than cool, enigmatic fellow female ascan who has joined NASA as an aeronautical engineer. at first, the two are friends. but then, joan begins to feel something. something different. something real. something unlike anything she’s ever felt before.
atmosphere alternates between two timelines: december 1984, during a mission in which joan is on the ground and vanessa is up in space, and the years leading up to that, in which the two fall in love, and attempt to navigate their relationship and the way the world perceives it (and them).
as someone who is the daughter of two lesbians—who fell in love long before 1984, and who had me in 1986—i found this book both heartwarming and surprising. the level of hiding and homophobia present in the storyline felt more like the 1950s than the 1980s (though i suppose it is set in texas). my parents didn’t marry until 2004, the year i graduated high school, and massachusetts became the first state to legalize gay marriage. but they’ve been together for 50 years, fell in love in their early twenties, and were decidedly “out” when i was young. that’s not to say they didn’t experience discrimination and homophobia, or that they had equal rights—they did, and they didn’t. but reading atmosphere, i didn’t quite buy just how much hiding joan and vanessa had to do. nor did i buy just how much joan had hidden from herself.
if you’ve read the book, i’d love to know your thoughts, and if any of the above mirrors your own reading experience! if you haven’t read it yet, but intend to: please report back once you do!
get it on amazon | get it on bookshop
ps: if you’re a big reader, follow me on goodreads! i try and rank/save every book i read (i read 80 in 2024!)
we’re all watching the new season of the gilded age, right? i swear to god i could watch carrie coon watch paint dry for hours and never get bored. the woman is a master class! between her character’s societal exploits, her daughter gladys’ desire to choose her own destiny, and her husband’s “go west and conquer!” vibes, i couldn’t get enough of episode one. add on christine baransky’s quips and cynthia nixon’s feigned innocence, and you have yourself a practically perfect hour of television. is it prestige tv, or the most intelligent, thoughtful show on the small screen? absolutely not. but it is the type of escapist show i need in these times—and i think it’s made great progress towards becoming genuinely good tv with true plot lines and character development.
the first two seasons may have been all fluff + great costumes, but they’ve always had an incredibly strong cast, and now, it seems, they’re inching towards strong writing! case in point: in the opening episode, agnes seems to wonder (for the first time ever) whether it’s wrong that her white doctor refuses to treat her black secretary (yes, of course it is). is it acceptable, bertha russell and caroline astor ask, for high society to shun divorcees, especially those whose marriages have ended at no fault of their own? i’m excited to see how the show continues to ask and answer these questions this season, and am hopeful that the good writing continues!
psst! if you like this post, it would mean the world to me if you’d hit the little heart icon, as well as consider sharing it on IG stories or substack notes—so that big feelings can be seen by more people ❤️
we had multiple 100 degree days this week, which meant doing any real form of cooking was out of the question. i ate a lot of watermelon salad, and on wednesday night, i made this epically good (and quite adaptable/easy) cold noodle salad with peanut sauce. my parents made a lot of cold peanut noodles growing up (don’t quote me on this, but i’m pretty sure there was a recipe in the moosewood cookbook—god bless the 80s!), and for that reason, i always get a little tinge of nostalgia when i make them. this recipe hit the spot, and helped me use up lots of veggies + herbs in my fridge (peppers, radishes, carrots, chives, scallions). it also came together entirely with pantry ingredients, ie, it didn’t require going out in the heat to grab anything additional from the store. i didn’t have soba noodles, but i tend to prefer whole wheat spaghetti for these types of recipes anyway (i buy the trader joe’s version and use it nearly exclusively for any and all pasta dishes!)—i find soba to be a bit mushy (i probs just overcook it every time, but that’s neither here nor there). i also didn’t have any form of protein to top it with, but i think this would be EXCELLENT with shelled edameme, and also quite delish with a slab of salmon, some grilled chicken, or shrimp. i ate it for dinner, and then again for lunch the next day, and it was even better 12ish hours later. i’ll be slotting it into my summer repertoire, and can’t wait to make it again (with edamame next time!).
ps: that same night, i did turn on my oven briefly to make this strawberry spoon cake. not pretty, but HIGHLY RECOMMEND. so fast, so easy, so delish. i added vanilla bean paste to my berries, and it made them extra sweet. next time, i’d do that again, but half the brown sugar.
pps: speaking of food + watermelon salad: brightland olive oil sent me their new everyday oils to try, and friends: they are GOOOOOD. if you’re a home cook or know someone who is, the everyday set is an excellent gift. if you use my link, you’ll get 20% off your first purchase!
i owe my paid subscribers a longer essay about this, but…i have not been feeling great in my body lately. after losing about 30 pounds on noom back in 2022, the scale has slowly crept back up, despite my (relatively) healthy eating habits and my 6x a week exercise habits and my addition of strength training (how much more can she do, you ask?! i ask myself this question, too). this is a story for another day, but suffice it to say: when i returned from my weekend in north carolina, i realized: i didn’t feel good about my bathing suit situation. to be specific, i didn’t feel great about wearing a two-piece.
so last weekend, i did a bit of searching for one piece suits that still felt fun, and colorful, and stylish—all the things i want in a summer vibe. i snagged a summersalt suit (no longer available, but this one is similar!) new with tags on poshmark for a mere $40, and then also purchased 2 colorful suits from boden on sale. they arrived just in time for my travels home to mass (we have a swimming pool!), and i’m thrilled to say they are both stylish and comfortable. i want to write that they are flattering, but that feels like a layered word. so i will just say this: i put them on, and i felt good. genuinely good. both were on sale for around $50, and both are still in stock in a variety of sizes (i took a 14, because boobs) on the site. run, don’t walk!
here are a few things i enjoyed on the internet this week:
one of my favorite london restaurants, dishoom, is opening a small hotel! it’s tiny (only 2 bedrooms); i hope it’s so successful that it warrants an expansion!
how an upper west side cult hid in plain sight.
i really loved this issue of
: what to tell yourself when things go wrong.the realest and truest and most beautiful thing i’ve read as of late re: being an american jew right now.
sophia bush’s pride essay in time mag made me teary. happy pride month, friends 🌈
sarah sherman samuel’s latest home project in architectural digest will take your breath away.
❤️ and that, friends, is where i leave you. if you like this post, it would mean the world to me if you’d hit the little heart icon, as well as consider sharing it on stories—so that big feelings can be seen by more people ❤️
The group project thing is SO REAL. I said this to a friend last weekend, “no wonder our teachers forced us to do so many group projects. Turns out, that’s the hardest part about work.”
“i am a natural doer. i want things to be done, i want them to be done right, and i want them to be done in order. i like routine, i like process (within reason!), i like practicality and logic and plans.” - This is me and likely what will make me walk away from my current job if things don’t get better. Only time will tell! Looking up the bathing suits now - I need a new one desperately and I like a bit of color!