5 things for friday
a little more peace, a little less panic. plus: a high-protein green goddess dip, my perfect couple review, excellent curvy jeans + more
i feel like you’ve got a lot going on up there, i said, pointing to his head.
he nodded, then said, i feel like you do too, no?
he was right. i did. i generally always do. it’s why i feel inclined to write. sometimes, my brain feels so full of thoughts and feelings that i worry i’ll explode if i don’t get them out on paper. i’m heady, always second-guessing the things i do and the things i say and the things i write.
which is why it’s been a real mind fuck to realize that there have been many moments over the last few weeks where i haven’t felt overly contemplative. where i’ve been content to just be. to revel in the knowledge that—at least for right now—everything is okay, and i am too. i spent so much of the first part of this year (and honestly, much of the years before it) feeling like a live wire. my skin constantly prickling with anxiety, shame, discomfort, guilt. to have arrived in a place where i feel like i can float for a bit unmoors me. because i’m not used to living like this. i’m not used to feeling like this.
i’ve been seeing the man i mention above for over a month now. he is lovely, and kind, and we’re having a good time together. and for the first time in a long time, that is all i care about. i’m not in my head about what it is or what it means or what it could be. i feel content to just appreciate it for what it is: good food and good company, a man who shows up when he says he will and never ignores a text message (the bar is low, people!).
i find myself resisting the urge to try and name it, or turn it into something it isn’t. it’s casual, we’re casual, and it’s fine. it’s more than fine. it feels odd to say that, and even odder to feel it. to be truly okay with whatever the outcome is, to—for once in my life—have the ability to both live in and enjoy the moment without harping on what could be.
for years, i’ve opened up a blank substack draft every thursday, and let it rip. i’ve written about getting ghosted and leaving my job. about weight loss and friendship and grief. i have always—always—found peace in being able to take my pain and turn it into art (or at least, what i like to think is art). which means that i find myself a little bit stumped on what to write about in the moments i feel really, truly happy. or, if not happy, content. he wasn’t wrong, the man i lay next to. most of the time, i do have a lot going on up there.
but in that moment—and in a handful of other moments lately, including the moment i find myself in now, as i write this—i didn’t. i feel this odd sense of calm. it’s a feeling that’s altogether quite foreign to me, and so i don’t quite know how to place it. i opened up my usual substack draft, and i thought to myself, well shit, i don’t have anything interesting to say.
why do i feel like i’m only interesting when i’m in pain?
and also: what the fuck do i write about when i feel something akin to happiness?
i guess the answer is that i write about exactly that. pain is a catalyst, to be certain. it’s the driving force behind both of the novels i’ve been working on. it’s been the subject of many an essay i’ve written here. and for years, it was one of my predominant emotions. pain and i are well acquainted. pain and i are like two peas in a pod. pain and i go way back. happiness? serenity? peace? these are emotions with which i feel rather unfamiliar.
that’s not to say i’ve never experienced them. i am incredibly privileged, and have experienced much happiness in my life. but i can’t say i’ve experienced a whole lot of peace. that’s no one’s fault, really—unless we’re counting my own—but rather, a side effect of being a heady person. when you’re person who notices things, who feels them, deeply, you don’t get a lot of peace. the modern world is awash with inputs, and you absorb all of them. it can be a magical way to live—i pay attention!—but it is not a peaceful one.
which is why it feels ever so slightly destabilizing to realize that i am in the midst of a peaceful period of life. i’m working, and making money again. i’ve joined a writers group, and spent monday night in brooklyn workshopping two pieces of fiction (others, not mine, yet!) and playing with two adorable and friendly cats. i’ve gotten into a rhythm at bar method, where i greet clients and fold towels and clean the studio every thursday night. i’m dating, casually, and leaning into the enjoyment of what it feels like to sit across from a nice person at a nice restaurant and marvel at the way their eyes look nearly cerulean in the light. a week from today, i fly to italy with my friend molly; a month later, i’ll spend nearly two weeks in mexico city, and have the pleasure of showing my mamas around my second favorite city for the first time.
it is not perfect. i’m still in my head about many things. my weight. my career. my novels. this newsletter. but somehow, i’m managing to shift the balance. to find more moments of peace, and less moments of panic. it feels at once shimmering and weighty, a bubble waiting to be popped. i want to hold on to it, i know if i hold too tightly, it’ll disappear. the serenity cannot possibly stay, right?
or perhaps that’s just the pain talking. and for the first time in a long time, i’ve got the power to quiet it.
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i’m always on the hunt for new podcasts, and was thrilled when i saw that wirecutter, the nyt’s product recommendation arm, had launched one! the first episode, which i listened to over the weekend, was all about laundry, and had me adding a new kind of oxygen cleaner to my online cart. but it was this week’s episode about the very best bedding that hooked me. as someone who prides herself on having the world’s most comfortable bed (and who also feels so strongly about sheets that she travels with her own), this episode SPOKE TO THE VERY DEPTHS OF MY SOUL. think you know the differences between percale and sateen? think again. think egyptian cotton is always the way to go? not so fast, folks. if you, like me, nerd out on all things home and cleaning, both of these eps are for you. and also, because (insert influencer voice) “i know you’ll ask” ;) my favorite sheets are these. they’re pricey, but worth it. i splurge when they go on sale. i’ve also spent this summer sleeping on these, and really like them. super soft, wash well, and feather light. when in doubt, these are a nice budget option, too.
i’m a big historical fiction fan, but often find that the plottiest books fall flat, prose-wise. such is never the case with kate quinn, who has mastered the balance of plot and prose. i loved her novels the alice network and the rose code, and was thrilled to see she had a new novel out. i’ll admit that upon reading the premise (more on that below!), i felt rather MEH about it. but i’m glad i gave it a shot, because i really enjoyed it. sometimes, you just want a bit of literary escapism, you know? and this book definitely offered that. along with some smartly drawn observations about the racism, misogyny and homophobia of the 1950s + a heavy dose of female friendship.
when grace march moves into briarwood house, an all-female boardinghouse in the heart of washington, dc, she’s disappointed to find that for the most part, her fellow boarders keep to themselves. but no matter, because grace doesn’t give up easy. she settles into the attic room, and starts up a supper club, inviting her housemates to join her for home-cooked on a hotplate dinner each week. slowly but surely, the women come out of their shells. there’s fliss, a young english mother whose husband has been sent to work overseas as a doctor. nora, a policeman’s daughter head over heels for a local gangster. bea, a former pro women’s baseball player sidelined by an injury, and arlene, who’s drunk on mccarthy’s red scare koolaid.
they’re a motley crew, but thanks to grace, they become fast friends. that is, until a shocking act of violence threatens to tear the house apart, and forces them to confront, once and for all, who the true enemy really is.
having recently listened to an entire podcast about the mccarthy era (rachel maddow’s ultra), i found this book extra compelling—but i think you’ll enjoy it even if you’ve not recently read up on 1950s facism.
or if you prefer, get it on amazon
ps: if you’re a big reader, follow me on goodreads! i try and rank/save every book i read (and i read about 50-60 a year!)
friends, the time has come for us to talk about the perfect couple. as a big elin hilderbrand fan, i had high hopes for the netflix adaptation, which hit the small screen earlier this month. i flew through all 6 episodes in just a few days, and i have THOUGHTS. but before i share them, consider this your warning:
spoilers ahead!
so, i read the book a few years ago, and therefore had to gut check my own memories of the reading experience against what i was seeing onscreen. having done so, i can say: they changed quite a bit, and, in my humble opinion, not necessarily for good reason.
first was there character choices. i understand changing celeste’s name to amelia, given that nicole kidman has played a celeste recently. fine, okay, we get it. but you know what i did not get? changing the chief’s name! i have been a big ed kapenash fan for years, and having recently read swan song, in which he has a large role, i was really excited to see how netflix would bring him to life onscreen. the man is a little bit of a legend in hilderbrand lore. to find that they’d changed his name, and eliminated the character of “the greek” and replaced him with a heavily accented female cop…MEH. i mean, yes, representation, but…i wanted chief kapenash! and i wanted the greek!
i was also mystified as to why they added will, the youngest brother, and gave him a love story. a nice to have, certainly, but i didn’t feel like his addition added anything to the story, nor did it really serve to deepen the mystery (which i imagine was the goal).
meghann fahy was SPECTACULAR as merritt (when is she not spectacular? sutton brady forever! and also, can we talk about how gorgeous fahy looked at the premiere? THAT DRESS!), and i also though dakota fanning slayed. but i was disappointed by the scenes they chose to embelish/highlight/create and the ones they left out of the book. i felt similarly about celeste/amelia and shooter’s relationship - i much preferred how it developed in the book; in the show it felt rushed and entirely unreal.
i will say that the biggest change they made was the ending, and that change—while differing greatly from the book—i supported. given the character arcs on the show, i bought it, and i felt like it gave dakota room to shine (and shine she did!).
if you’ve watched it and read the book, tell me: what did you think?!
psst! if you like this post, it would mean the world to me if you’d hit the little heart icon, as well as consider sharing it on IG stories or substack notes—so that big feelings can be seen by more people ❤️
a week or so ago, i got a hankering to make something fun with cottage cheese. mostly because i have been attempting to eat a bit more protein, and as someone who isn’t a fan of red meat (or honestly, that many meats, period), i’ve been attempting to get comfortable with cottage cheese. the only problem? i simply cannot with the texture. CURDS! WHO WANTS TO EAT CURDS?! but i did a bit of internet digging, and saw that many people had successfully blended those curds into creamy dressings. i had a lot of herbs in my fridge, and a lot of fresh veggies to slice, and so, an idea was born: i’d blend the cottage cheese with some greek yogurt + feta, add some garlic and salt, and tons of fresh herbs. i figured it would be pretty good, an easy way to sneak in some protein whilst snacking.
imagine my delight when it wasn’t just good, it was excellent!
what you’ll need:
3/4 cup cottage cheese (i used friendship’s low fat 1% milkfat kind)
1/2 cup greek yogurt (i used trader joe’s plain nonfat, which i love and buy in bulk!)
1/2 cup feta cheese (i used trader joe’s fat-free feta, which i also love and buy in bulk)
about 1/2 cup chopped fresh parsley (i like the italian flat leaf kind)
about 2 tbsp chopped fresh dill (i know people are weird about dill, so you could leave this out if you wanted)
1-2 tbsp lemon juice (basically, squeeze half a lemon, taste, add the other half if you’d like)
2-3 cloves garlic (i used the frozen tj’s kind, which..you guessed it, i buy in bulk! so easy for cooking)
you could also throw in basil, if you have some, or fresh oregano, or maybe even some chives.
what you’ll do:
simply throw all your ingredients in your blender, and blend baby, blend! add salt and pepper to taste, water to thin it out (if need be), and blend again.
in the moment, i tossed mine with steamed green beans, edamame and quinoa, which made for a delish lunch. i’ve also been storing the rest in my fridge for over a week now, and it’s kept beautifully! i brought it to my writing group on monday night, where we ate it with celery and carrot sticks, and have been snacking on it nearly every day with bell peppers and cucumbers.
note: all of the above are approximate measurements, because i was sort of blending, tasting, and adding as i went. so, you do you. the goal is to have a little more cottage cheese than yogurt + feta, and then enough herbs that you really taste them. the rest is sort of up to you! you could add more or less garlic, thin it out with more water, add more lemon juice if you wanted it tangier, etc.
the journey to become a person who feels okay in denim continues. last weekend, my friend maddie and i popped into madewell after a lovely brunch at 12 chairs and a handful of errands in williamsburg. they were doing 40% off selected denim, and they had a wide range of curvy styles, so i decided to give this pair a whirl. shockingly, i quite liked them! i’ve always gravitated towards darker wash denim (black and deep blue, really), because i feel like lighter washes just…make me feel large. which i hate saying, but—that’s the truth! anyway. this pair! this pair didn’t make me feel that way. and between the crop and the raw hem, they felt extra cool. i may not be able to rock the giant jeans gen z is wearing, but these—these i could do!
i was all prepared to buy them, then learned that they were (of course) excluded from the 40% off discount. and because i do not need another pair of jeans (since i wear them so infrequently), i put them back on the shelf. but you’d better believe i’ve been keeping an eye on madewell’s site, and will be scooping them up the second they go on sale. i was new to madewell’s curvy line, and was shockingly impressed. the saleswoman i worked with told me that the waist size should mirror my ‘usual’ size, and that the curvy jeans just have more room in the hips/butt. denim magic, honestly.
ps: i’ve been slowly clearing out my closet and listing things on poshmark here and there as a means of adhering to a one in, one out closet philosophy. if you’d like, you can peek at my listings here.
❤️ and that, friends, is where i leave you. if you like this post, it would mean the world to me if you’d hit the little heart icon, as well as consider sharing it on stories—so that big feelings can be seen by more people ❤️
Ok also been on the jeans hunt, for whatever reason the link didn't work for me, could you please share again when you have a moment?! Thank you! Been curious about their curvy line for awhile!!
I was curious about Rachel Maddow’s podcast, did you listen to both seasons or just the most recent?