5 things for friday
what if i'm not ready to say goodbye? plus: my homemade strawberry shortcake, a new TV obsession, and how to have a tomato girl summer 🍅
happy friday, friends.
as i write this, i’m sitting at a table for two in a new all day cafe that opened in my neighborhood. i came here for an almond latte and some almond butter toast. not because i was hungry, really, but because i felt certain that if i didn’t get out of the house, i’d lose my mind. sometimes you just need a change of scenery, you know?
the last few days have been rough. penny seems to be on a downward spiral, and though the vet continues to assure me that this is not the end, i feel certain that she is suffering, and positively paralyzed by the thought that there may come a time—sooner rather than later, sooner than i want—where i will need to make a decision. earlier today, i crouched on the edge of my couch cushion, petting her head as she sat, half-asleep, in her window seat. i’d just discovered yet another puddle of rose-tinged pee, this time atop a storage container i keep under the bed, a storage container she likes to sleep on. yesterday, i’d had a brief moment of feeling like perhaps she was on the mend, like the gabapentin i’d given her for pain relief was helping. but this morning, i thought to check that spot, and there it was, certain as the sun. and so i gave her another dose, and then i sat with her by the window, and told her, through tears, that if she needed to go, i understood. that there was lots of catnip and toys in heaven, and that i would be okay without her, and she would be okay too.
this might sound dramatic. absurd, even. but i swear to you that as i said it, she cracked open one of her bright green eyes and looked at me. looked at me as though she was listening.
i don’t know that it’s the end. i cannot parse what is my paranoia that she is entering the final stages of her time with me, and what is her actually entering the final stages of her time with me. some days, she seems perfectly herself. others, i can tell she is anything but.
tomorrow (or this morning, as you read this), even though i do not want to leave her, i will get in my car and drive 3 hours north to massachusetts, because in addition to penny being ill, my mama needs me, and i cannot be in two places at once. my friend sky will be feeding penny, checking in on her twice a day, putting meds into her food and reporting back. this is the best i could ask for, outside of being with her myself. but i feel the weight of it. the weight of all of it.
when my mama called the other day to say that her back had begun acting up again, badly (she had surgery a few years ago, and has never been quite the same since), my first—terrible, horrible—thought was: i cannot handle another bad thing. like, what the fuck, universe? can’t i please catch a teeny, tiny break?! and yet here i am, handling another bad thing. because what else can we do, really? we can only take it one day, or one hour, or one minute at a time. we can only put one foot in front of the other, and remind ourselves to eat, and to drink, and to smile when things make us happy, even for brief moments.
i am lucky that though my mama is in pain, it is not life-threatening. i am lucky that although penny is suffering, she is in good hands, and i am hopeful that her suffering will be—at least somewhat—alleviated soon. i am lucky that i have a roof over my head, and family to call when i am panicked, and a therapist who continues to remind me that she is there if i need her.
yesterday, i had the thought that perhaps i should get on an anti-depressant. i haven’t been on one since i was 22, but i feel like i could use a little boost? and then i had a dark laugh, because i cannot get on meds when i don’t have health insurance. i am so goddamn privileged, and still, this is a thought that i had. america!
it is not all bad. not all days are bad, not all hours in the bad days are terrible. this is just a season. it will pass, even if it doesn’t feel like that right now. i am in the muck, but i will not be there forever.
last night, at book club, our discussion of memory piece got us talking about our societal obsession with documenting our lives on the internet. and i couldn’t help but think about myself, because of course i couldn’t (pot, meet kettle). i write openly and vulnerably about my life. in the moment, online. it is cathartic and often useful, but it also opens me up to the vultures, and to criticism. to folks who say things like< why did you feel the need to publish that? aren’t you worried about what people will think? whenever i hit publish on something like the above—especially on a post i keep public vs. set aside for the smaller subset of paid subscribers—i have a brief twinge of anxiety.
have i gone too far? said too much? will people think i’m insane, or delusional, or pathetic?
but then i remember that i have long felt that we don’t talk openly enough about mental health. that we’re all victims of an internet that much prefers the highlight reel to real life. and that i myself feel seen in the writing of others. in the moments in which they strip back the perfect exteriors and show me the mess underneath.
so here i am, showing you the mess underneath yet again, and reminding myself that the only way out is through.
ps: on the off chance that you read the above and are worried about me, i promise you i am and will be okay! i am sad, and stressed, but i have a great therapist and good friends and family, and while i am very much in a rough season of life, i know i will come out the other side—hopefully sooner rather than later.
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i continue to be so humbled and grateful that you’re here. that you read, and comment, and every so often, send me a thoughtful email or leave an encouraging comment. if you've not yet subscribed, might you consider doing so?
on a lighter note, let’s get to our 5 things. shall we?
i think the interview might be my new favorite podcast. every weekend, i open up the podcast app and find myself both surprised and delighted by who they’ve chosen to feature. this week, it was ted sarandos, who i’d never heard of, and now am very curious about. sarandos is the CEO of netflix, and has been at the company for 24 (!) years. he oversaw the company’s earlier expansion into streaming, pioneered the binge watch, and oversees all—all!—of netflix’s creative output. in this conversation, he talks about how his co-founder reed hastings predicted the world we live in today, and how netflix pivoted (before people were ready, in many ways!) away from DVDs and towards the idea that people would someday consumer all of their content on the internet. he talks about the decision to ensure that netflix truly has something for everyone—from prestige series like house of cards and the crown to the new lindsay lohan rom-com irish wish. and towards the very end, he talks about AI—something i’ve been thinking a lot about lately—and gives this quote.
I don’t believe that an A.I. program is going to write a better screenplay than a great writer, or is going to replace a great performance, or that we won’t be able to tell the difference. A.I. is not going to take your job. The person who uses A.I. well might take your job.
it’s a really interesting listen, as all the interview episodes have been thus far.
ps: i know there are folks who are anti-NYT given their coverage of the israel-hamas war, and who might be surprised/annoyed/have feelings about the fact that i continue to support them (at least from a podcast and cooking perspective). i think there is merit to the argument that the coverage of what’s going on in gaza has been biased, though i don’t think that’s a blanket truth. but perhaps more importantly, i think it’s really important to ensure that the journalism you’re consuming is wide-ranging. that you don’t just listen to or read one single publication and consider your job done. the internet is an echo chamber, now more than ever, and i think it’s really easy to fall prey to the idea that we have to take sides, or ferret out humanity to some people and not others. ensuring that you read broadly, listen openly, and converse as respectfully as you’re able (with those who give you the same respect!) is, to me, the only way forward.
other podcasts i enjoyed this week:
this episode of worklife with adam grant, featuring airbnb’s brian chesky (his perspective on layoffs was enlightening and oh so human!), and this one from girls gotta eat about how romantic socialization has f*cked our brains.
i don’t know what’s going on with me, but i keep picking books i don’t really enjoy. this was the second time in the last two weeks that i read something from an author i generally enjoy and found it meh at best. this one had all the ingredients of something i’d enjoy. a murder mystery. a princess diana impersonator! complicated family dynamics. but for whatever reason, i never really got into it—even though i hung on ‘til the bitter end. i kept waiting for it to get really good, for me to feel like i genuinely knew and cared about the characters, but that moment never came. alas!
i was beginning to genuinely fear that my picker was broken, but wednesday night, after everyone had departed from my apartment after book club and i’d done all of my cleanup, i hopped into bed and cued up michael cunningham’s new-ish pandemic novel, day, and immediately breathed a sigh of relief. because right there within the very first pages was prose so beautiful it made my heart vibrate with joy. i’m 10% in at best, so it’s too soon to say if i’ll love the entire book, but i already feel more excited about it than any of the others i’ve read recently. my library hold on it expires in just 3 days (oops!), so rest assured it’ll likely be the featured book next week.
pps: if you’re a big reader, follow me on goodreads! i try and rank/save every book i read (and i read about 50-60 a year!)
i’m a big hulu girl right now. recently, i’ve watched and loved we were the lucky ones, the veil, and under the bridge (which still has a handful of episodes to go!). when i finished the veil the other night, hulu suggested that i might like a murder at the end of the world, and i recalled that the show had been flagged in my brain as something to watch. what with so much good tv available at all times, i’d never gotten around to it. but having caught up on and/or finished all of my current shows, i needed a new obsession, and man oh man, does this one fit the bill. it’s the brainchild of brit marling and zal batmanglij, who were also responsible for netflix’s the OA, which i watched years ago and was certifiably obsessed with. if you somehow missed that one years ago, GO NOW AND WATCH IT. especially if you’re open to a little bit of magical realism/sci-fi, but even if you’re not (i wasn’t, really).
anywho! this one stars emma corrin—they of young princess di in the crown fame—as darby hart, a tech-savvy, gen z hacker who’s also an amateur detective of sorts. when darby is invited, along with eight other guests, to an exclusive retreat hosted by a reclusive billionaire at his bougie hotel in a secret and remote location, she can’t resist turning him down. she’s there less than 24 hours when she witnesses the apparent murder of one of the other guests—who just so happens to be the man she once loved.
that’s as far as i’ve gotten, but i can tell you: i am hooked. emma corrin is a true chameleon of an actor, and they are as wonderful in this role as they are in the crown, even though the two characters couldn’t be more different. i don’t know about you, but i’ve been feeling the desperate need to escape into other lives lately, and this show is doing that for me. if you, too, need an escape, you can watch it at the link below (hulu subscription required).
i made strawberry shortcake for a memorial day shindig at my friend bruce’s over the weekend, and i’m here to tell you it miiight just be in my top 5 summer desserts. number one is ice cream, obviously—which, speaking of, i am going to share a 🍌VERY SPECIAL recipe 🍌 for next week for paid subscribers—but there’s something about strawberry shortcake that’s irresistible. for starters, for a recipe with multiple parts, it’s relatively easy to put together (even if you make your own biscuits, which i did!). it’s also a recipe that isn’t insanely sugary, but still tastes sweet. and it takes advantage of summer berries, which are good right now and will be positively spectacular in the coming months.
so! let’s talk how to make it, yes?
what you’ll need for biscuits: (i used this recipe, but if i were making them again, i’d use this one from alison roman. pick your fave and use the exact measurements!)
AP flour
baking soda
baking powder
granulated sugar
salt (i used morton’s)
buttermilk (you could sub with greek yogurt, or make your own with whole milk + vinegar)
chilled unsalted butter, cut into 1” pieces
a note about biscuit-making: newer recipes may tell you that you can pulse the butter into your dry ingredients with a food processor. you can do this. but it’s way better + more fun to smash the butter into the flour mixture with your (clean!) hands until a pebbly-ish dough forms. your goal pre-buttermilk is small pieces of butter-y dough, but no large chunks. i personally find this part of the process (it’s the same as making pie dough!) incredibly stress-relieving, and i think you might, too.
what you’ll need for berries + cream:
1 lb strawberries (fresh, not frozen!)
4 tbsp granulated sugar (2 to sweeten the berries + 2 to make your whipped cream)
1 cup heavy whipping cream
vanilla extract
you know you can make whipped cream at home, right? as in, there is literally no reason to buy it from a store, or—heaven forbid!—a aerosol canister of sorts. i first learned how easy it was to make while working at herrell’s ice cream (the very best after school job a high schooler could have in northampton, MA). we made both regular and chocolate whipped cream at herrell’s, and every so often, it would be my job to combine 1 cup of cream with 1/2 cup of sugar + a tsp of vanilla extract and let ‘er rip.
these days, i add way less sugar, but it’s still as delicious as can be. and friends, that’s literally all you do! you whip 1 cup of heavy cream with 2 tbsp of sugar (you can use confectioners, but i think granulated is the way to go), plus 1 tsp of vanilla extract, and—steady does it!—within a few minutes, you have perfectly peaked whipped cream. it’s easiest to do in a kitchenaid mixer (pictured above), but you could also do it with a hand mixer, or even by hand with a whisk, though this would be tough. it’ll keep in the fridge for 24ish hours (though mine has been chilling in there for days and it’s still quite good).
beyond that, all you need to do is chop your berries, and top with sugar. yes, that’s literally it. some recipes will have you zhush them up—add vanilla extract, or lemon zest, or make a strawberry syrup—but i think this recipe works best when it’s done simply. a warm, buttery biscuit + sweet strawberries + lightly sweetened cream = perfection.
remember a few months ago when i went to an event with mrs. meyers and teased a new summery scent i was really excited about? well, it took a while for it to hit the shelves (at least at the stores around me!), but BOY WAS THE WAIT WORTH IT! 🍅 tomato vine candles have been all the rage for the past few years, and i’ve been waiting for a hand soap/dish soap to drop that was similar but not insanely expensive. so when i smelled this one at the MM event a few months ago, i was THRILLED. it smells like a garden, but not in an intense or cloying way. it’s fresh, and summery, and slightly herbaceous. i find myself smelling my hands after every wash. i currently have a bottle of hand soap in my bathroom, and a bottle of dish soap in my kitchen, plus another stashed away, for fear that they’ll run out of stock.
it’s the perfect way to bring a little summer love into your home—and you can get both products for under $10!
if a candle is what you’re after, i love this one from flamingo estate—it’s pricey but it’s perfect. great throw, slow + clean burn. if you use this link, you can get $20 off your first $100 spent!
and that, friends, is where i leave you. if you like this post, it would mean the world to me if you’d hit the little heart icon, as well as consider sharing it with your network—so that the grand weekly can be seen by more people.
Sarah, I'm so sorry to hear about Penny. I know exactly what you are going through and you are not being dramatic, or absurd. Losing a pet is so heartbreaking and and earth shattering. You have given Penny such a special life and when it is time for her to go, she will be met on the other side by so many other good boys and girls, including my cat Rose who I lost last summer. Rose was a bit (a lot) of a princess, but I'm sure she'll be happy to share her toys and spots in the sun. Sending you love xo
I am sorry you are going through all the hard things but grateful you are open to sharing because it DOES help those of us also going through hard things who can't always bring themselves to share (for all the same reasons...what will people think?). I think you are awesome!